My Life... My Choices... No Regrets...

2010-12-05T21:57:00.010+08:00

and just like that, 2010 comes to a close.

was taking a look at my past entries. phew, at least this year was not the worst year in terms of the number of blog entries. 2008 still holds the award for "Least Number of Entries" with a grand total of*drumrolls* 1 ENTRY! *crowd goes wild*. somehow, i do not remember posting many entries in 2010 but it looks like i did.

ok. down to business.

let's see. should i do a post on the events of 2010? or should i do a 2011 resolution post? or should i do a random post about random stuff? or should i do a post about how my dead blog is coming back to life again?

so many questions..

oh wait. why do i even need to stress myself with all the fine details. i'll just write down whatever i feel like writing. hasn't that always been the case? just because it's a new year doesn't mean there must be new changes right?

so without further ado, here we go..

*

oh my god. suddenly it hit me as i'm writing this post. i know what i'm going to talk about today. the Number 1 topic that is always on everyone's mind. that very special 4 letter word.

and no you perverts out there. it's not ~~fuck~~ frog, although some of you may disagree with me. it's that magic "L" word. that special word which meaning is so deep and complex that no dictionary has ever managed to really explain it. (editor's note: yes, i know that all dictionaries have in fact a definition to that word, but.. but.. CAN YOU FREAKING JUST GO WITH THE FLOW AND STOP SPOILING THE MOOD!!!)

where was i? oh ya, that special word:

"LOVE"

it's kind of amazing ain't it? how since i started this blog, i've experienced that feeling through the eyes of:

- a single guy
- a single guy with a girl he likes
- a single guy with a girl who likes him
- a single guy with a friend who holds hands
- a single guy with a girl with a boyfriend
- a single guy with a girl who almost became his girlfriend

and finally, my all time favorite,

- a no-longer-single guy with an awesome girlfriend.

it's really amazing how even though all this may be from the same person, the whole outlook on the situation changes with each different prospective. because of the knowledge i've acquired from observing and listening to others, i was able to advise people on certain issues regarding relationships. i used to help people with some of their relationship problems because i was able to help them see the bigger picture. soon, i started to believe that i was some love guru that could help those who needed assistance. i mean like seriously, i've already helped so many people with their relationship problems, so it's only natural that i'll be alright, if not doing even better, when it comes to my own relationship right? boy, i couldn't have been more wrong. and it was not long before i realized that no matter how experienced or knowledgeable you are, there were no model answers to this subject we call:

Love.

and i came to that realization when a particular girl walked into my life one day..

2010-12-04T09:23:00.003+08:00

after half a year of absence..

..it's good to be back!!!

wouldn't be surprised if my fellow followers of my blog have already stopped coming to this page anymore, much less reading it. yup, all 3 of you. now some of you may be thinking "why the sudden return to blogging?" actually, i've already been wanting to blog for quite some time. there were days when i would have this urge to discuss about certain issues, but as we all know, procrastination is a very power thing.

well, the trigger came about when one of my friends was having some army BGR issue, and i realized i once wrote something about this. so back i came to the place where all my thoughts and memories were kept. my sanctuary of memories. and as i looked through past entries to find that particular post, i couldn't help but remember all those times when i wrote those entries. and boy, does it bring back memories..

so here we are once again. and let's hope that this time, my return to blogging will last longer than the Spice Girls did..

till next time~*

2010-05-20T22:05:00.005+08:00

and then, there was none..

finally done with my last paper. how did it go? it was alright i guess. will not say it was easy because i may end up jinx-ing the papers and will not say it was difficult because i can imagine the parents going "it's difficult because you never study!" so i'll just stand on my favorite position in the whole world: the fence.

i really need to start working. for once in a long time, i finally have things that i want to buy. and on the top of that list: a computer. MY OWN computer. i'm just very sick of using other people's computers, sick of using people's stuff. whenever you use someone else's stuff, you're under their rules. whatever they say goes. no matter how unreasonable that rule may be, you just have to suck it up.

"if you're not happy, then do not use it"

sigh..

ok. let's get down to serious matters.

have been feeling down these couple of days. could not really sleep well and even when i did fall asleep, i would wake up every now and then. at first i thought it was due to exam stress but soon realized it was not. if it was exam stress, my head would be one big clump of information right? but that wasn't the case.

Emotions.

it's the one thing that separates human from machines. the one thing that puts a smile on your face and a tear in your eye. at times it can be the best feeling to have or the worst. i guess every thing's balanced in this world. you can't have the good without the bad and vice versa.

you know what i hate about it? the fact that there's no on/off button. or the fact that it's irrational. sometimes, it just makes no sense. and i hate it when you have totally no control over it. like how when you break up with your horrible ex and even though you know it's for the best, you smile and yet, you feel your tears suddenly flowing down your cheeks.

"yes. finally he's out of my life. a girl like me deserve so much better. but what's this? why am i crying? STOP CRYING!"

or when you see your girlfriend hanging out with her guy friends and even though you know that they're just friends and nothing more, you can't help but feel a certain emotion throbbing inside you. the same emotion that comes over you when she mentions how wonderful another guy is.

"i'm alright with her having guy friends. i mean, if your friend's not a girl, it has to be a guy right? i'm cool with it. i'm really cool with it.. so what's this i'm feeling? it can't possibly be jealousy right? but i thought i said i was alright with it. so it can't possibly be jealousy right? right?!"

or when someone broke your heart and when you lay down on your bed at night, you feel like your chest's in pain even though you don't see any physical wound. you've already mentally prepared yourself for rejection but somehow, the pain you feel in your chest is something that no amount of preparation can get you ready for.

and finally, when you lay down on your bed after a tiring day, you feel your whole body going to sleep but somehow your mind's still wide awake. closing your eyes just feels like someone putting a cover over your eyes. and the more you try to fall asleep, the harder it becomes.

"i really need to get some rest. why can't i sleep? my whole body's all tired out so why am i still so awake? (i wonder what she's doing now..) but i don't get it. i woke up so early today morning. (she's going to be surrounded by lots of guys..) i still have exams tomorrow. i really need to sleep now. (there's nothing to worry about right..?) stop thinking about irrelevant stuff and sleep. sleep! (there's nothing to worry about..) "

somehow after writing this entry, i feel a bit better. it's hard for another person to truly feel how one is feeling. for emotions are something that cannot be described in words. it must be felt to be understood.

"don't worry. there's nothing wrong with you or her. it's just that when you slowly fall deeper and deeper for someone, you'll tend to be more sensitive towards certain matters. the greater your feelings are for someone, the greater the emotions you are going to feel towards that person."

*

Every endless night has a dawning day
Every darkest sky has a shining ray
It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by
But you can find me here till your tears run dry

*

2010-05-10T21:29:00.002+08:00

i don't know whether most of you have experienced this before, but have your parents ever told you this before:

(on finding out about your boyfriend/girlfriend)

"i hope you're not taking this seriously" or "you better don't take it seriously" or anything along that line.

i just don't get it. are our parents trying to tell us that we should take relationships lightly? that we should be playing around instead?

guess there are times when you just can't follow everything your parents say..

2010-05-10T20:32:00.002+08:00

was in the train the other day when a thought suddenly came to my head.

"if you can love your siblings with the same kind of love throughout your life, despite all the ups and downs, why can't you have that same kind of love for your special other half?"

yes, it's true that some of us have siblings as best friends, so life with them ain't so bad. but no matter how close you are with them, there sure have been times when you quarreled or even fought with each other. in some cases, there may even be a cold war that may last for a while. but somehow, in most situations, you'll work things out and learn to forgive each other.

it's also true to say that no one's perfect and everyone has their flaws, even your siblings. and somehow, after all the nagging, frustration, losing of temper, etc. we've come to accept them for who they are. not to ignore their flaws, but to accept them.

now why can't we have this same mentality in relationships? because of one major difference:

there's an exit clause in a relationship, whereas there is none when it comes to family.

if things don't work out in a relationship, break up. and what if things don't work out when it comes to family? break up with them? no. suck it up, do something about it, solve the problem. because after all, until the day you start to live on your own, you'll have to live with your siblings. and whether life down the road with your siblings is going to be rough or smooth all depends on you. therefore, most of us put in that extra effort in making things work.

so why can't we do the same for BGR? because everyone wants the easy way out. if only couples have that 'extra effort' mentality and erase that 'break-up' mentality. i believe a lot of people would have longer lasting relationships.

now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that if you listen to me, you'll sure have a longer lasting relationship. if my methods were foolproof, won't i be like the most desirable guy on the planet? (which, the last time i checked, i was not)

actually, if you noticed, all those love advices or tips that 'love gurus' offer are nothing new. they are stuff that you and i already know deep inside but somehow never really crossed our mind.

so if your relationship's going through a rough patch at the moment, take some time to cool down and look at the problem. the main problem with most relationships is not the problem itself but how the problem is approached and handled. and it's usually through adversity that one sees whether the relationship becomes stronger or breaks down. no one ever said relationships were smooth-sailing all the way. just remember, even the best of friends have their 'fights' once in a while.

guess i'll end this entry here. all the best to all the couples out there and good luck to all those having exams!

2010-03-20T19:51:00.013+08:00

oh my god! i think i finally understand what it means to have those inspirations that just appear out of thin air. woke up today morning with a fantastic thought. was kind of afraid of going back to sleep in case i forgot what the idea was about. but thankfully after i woke up again later i still knew what i needed to do.

now it's all about putting that thought into action. luckily there's still time to make it happen. so excited just thinking about it!

when the time comes, you'll know what i'm talking about so don't bother guessing too much about it k?

*

feel like trying something new for this entry. was just reading through a manga and there was this part where one of the character was writing a letter to his future self. was suddenly tempted to do something like that too. so let's just try it out shall we?

~~~~*~~~~

Dear 30 year old me,

sorry for being a bit morbid but hopefully you're still alive to read this.

so how have you been, handsome? just got back home from celebrating mummy's 53th birthday at Jack's Place at Safra Jurong. first time drinking Erdinger, and you still don't have a taste for beer. have you developed a taste for beer now? or are you still into the cocktails? lolx.

and how's things with you and Mich? are you guys still together? i really hope you guys are. i believe you guys can really go all the way. really hope if you read this part, you'll be going "woah, i can't believe we're still together.." just remember future-me, you once had a dream to marry your first girlfriend. kind of far-fetched but hopefully you're able to pull it through. oh ya, note to future-self: i know that people say as time passes, you tend to treat your other half less lovingly. but that does not mean you should take her for granted ok? don't let that flame of passion that once burnt so fiercely die off totally ok? and remember, you guys weren't exactly the most normal people around to begin with. so there's no reason for you guys to end up like how 'most normal couples' do.

oh ya! and the most important question i'm dying to know. if you stand behind a lamp post, will i be able to see you? LOL!

are you still in contact with your close friends? to be exact: fishball dugong, little angry boy and IT shifty? the guys who you, at this very moment, believe will be with you till the end. remember, it doesn't take much to pick up the phone and ask how they're doing.

and are you still living in Jurong? or do you already have your own place? bachelor pad or family nest? and since we're on this topic, what about your career? do you even have a stable career? are you enjoying what you're doing now? or are you stuck in the dreaded 8-5 lifestyle? wait a minute, did you even manage to graduate from SIM? at this very moment, you have no goals in life. no real career path to follow. i really wish the future-me don't turn into a bum. and i really hope you manage to find something meaningful to do with your life within this period of time. just keep this in mind: you always believed that you were brought onto this world to touch lives. and a bum sure as hell doesn't touch lives.

well, i guess that kind of concludes this note. there's still so many things i want to ask you. if only there was some way i could sit down with past and future-me and just have a chat about our lives. now, how cool would that be? but i guess some things just ain't possible. oh well, no harm dreaming about it now is there?

Love,
23 year old me.

~~~~*~~~~

2010-03-13T20:46:00.014+08:00

and this marks the 200th post entry for my blog!

..so let's make this a good one, shall we?

i am not sure if i ever mentioned this on my blog before that i have this drawer where i keep all my past love letters in it. and i also said that if there ever came a day when i finally found my special someone, i would get rid of all of them.

well, today i did just that.

as i saw the flames slowly eat through the pictures and cards, i can honestly say that there were no lingering emotions going through my heart. the day i opened a new chapter in my life, was the day i finally closed 2 others for good. never again will i bring them up unless asked. whatever hate, love, regrets, what-ifs i had just went up in flames together with the stuff.

ashes to ashes..
dust to dust..

*

i got this ~~bad~~ habit of mine: i tend to think a lot. in some cases, it's a good thing. like how i always think of the consequences before doing anything rash or like how i always make sure i have everything planned out before diving into something. but on other occasions, thinking too much into something is not a good thing. like when it comes to taking chances or when a response is needed immediately.

usually, when one thinks too much, they tend to worry about unnecessary things. like in my case, i never got into a relationship in the past before because i was always worrying about things.

"will we last..?"

"what if we break..?"

"is she really the one for me..?"

"is there someone better out there..?"

"what if her family don't like me..?"

"what if this.. what if that.."

that was why i never ever made the first move and always waited for something to happen. and even when something did happen, my mind would go into hyper over-drive and i'll start to imagine about a lot of things. and because of this constant worrying, nothing would ever develop.

but that all changed when you came into my life.

it was at that time when i told myself that i was tired of always waiting for something to happen and sick of always worrying about the future. yes, it was good to think about the future, but not to the extend of creating a future in your head that has not even happened. it's like how we all know we're all going to die one day, but that doesn't mean we should start worrying about death now.

** the remaining part of this entry contains a fair amount of mushiness and lovey-doveyness. you have been warned.. **

and as i look into your eyes that night, i knew i did not want to let such an opportunity slip out of my fingers again. yes, the future may be filled with obstacles and uncertainties. and who knows what the future holds for us. but nothing is set in stone.

the future is decided by the choices we make in the present.

so i've decided to stop worrying about the future and just live for the present. life is too short to be worrying about something that hasn't happen yet. i'll start worrying about future problems when the time comes.

one step at a time...

*

and who, you may ask, is that special someone?

my baby girl. the only one who can call me Bob ♥

(Magic 8 Ball was right once again..)

2010-02-26T20:58:00.008+08:00

i don't know what's with my sudden interest in gothic rock. guess i'll always have a thing for all things gothic eventhough i may not be as goth-crazy as i was back then. female opera-voiced singer with rock music in the background. absolutely beautiful..

oh ya. and someone described me as 'eccentric'. i've asked around and some people say it can either be a compliment or an insult. pfft! now am i supposed to be happy or angry? so next time, i would appreciate it if people would not use such big words to describe me. 'Nice' and 'Not Nice' would work just fine..

*

almost wanted to write a very emo post today, but thought twice against it. in the past, if something was on my mind, i would just blog about it. who cares if i mentioned names or if the people i mentioned were hurt. who cares if what i said was one-sided or whether it was fully true. i sure didn't care. as long as i was feeling down, i made sure the world knew about it. and if someone made me angry, i made sure the world knew about them.

that was the kind of person i was.

but after the whole issue with her, one thing i've learnt is that you should never ever hang your dirty linens in public. if you've ever had an argument or fight with someone, cyberspace should never be the place to rant about it, especially not on your blog. i can honestly say, whenever i published such posts in the past, i really wanted the whole world to hate her as much as i did. i wanted to let the world know how horrible of a person she was.

but now i know, that my actions just showed how low i was willing to sink to. and that's just sad. how would i have felt if someone were to write horrible stuff about me which were only one-sided? or if after every argument with my friend, they would go back and write all the horrible stuff about me for the world to see? i would definitely not like that. already, if someone were to update their FB status on something bad about me, i would surely be pissed off, much less a whole blog entry.

to be honest, when it first ended, i hated her. i wished she had never come into my life. when it comes to love, most people usually trip and fall. but in my case, i was brought up to the heavens and thrown down from there. wah! so drama sia! but now, if i do get the chance, i really feel like hugging her and thanking her. she helped me see the real world as it is. it was not very pleasant but it sure was effective. and i really believe my whole mindset has change so much now.

so i've decided. i will not have anything related to my love life on my blog anymore. and if i have any issues regarding my love life? well, that's what my friends are for right?

sheesh.. from the looks of it, this turned out to be quite an emo post afterall eh? *laughs* but don't worry yeah? i'm a very emo-tionally stable guy at the moment.

sorry and thank you skye
..but i doubt you'll ever see this anyways.

2010-02-21T03:04:00.003+08:00

you know the part i like most above facebook?

looking at those uber old photos of people. like those that are on the last page of "photos tagged of you" or those photos in the first album they've ever uploaded. so interesting to see how much those people have changed..

and to me, sometimes i like to see people when they look their worst. and i don't mean when they're like down and suffering, no no. it's when they're without any make-up or whatsoever. when they're really au natural.

because i want to see people for who they really are and not for what they want others to see. and that is what i feel real beauty is all about..

2010-02-20T22:24:00.002+08:00

was in the showers just now when i suddenly thought of something. i realized that most, if not all, of the girls who i've had feelings for all turned out to be the middle child. just like me. what coincidence. maybe middle children have a special bond with each other.

speaking of families, was talking with Rachel the other day about this issue. we chatted during the break all the way till the end of class. sigh. i should be the one motivating her to study and there i was doing the opposite. i am like so not the ideal role-model. anyways, we came to the conclusion that eventhough families may seem perfect on the outside with their friendly attitudes and smiling faces, beneath all that facade, lies deep dark secrets. every family has their fair share of problems and secrets.

so don't worry if you think your family's messed up. everyone's else is just equally messed up as well.

*

was just chilling with jo and miah the other day when miah suddenly said something that made me think.

" would you date your friend's ex? "

so what's my take on that question? let's see. that's a tough one. well, it really depends on the situation i suppose.

for me, i WOULD date the girl if:

- i'm not really close to my friend.
- he broke up with the girl.
- my friend is alright with it.

and i WOULD NOT date the girl if:

- my friend means a lot to me (even if he's alright with me seeing her, i still won't)
- the girl broke up with him.
- my friend still has feelings for her.

but i guess there's still many other factors that will lead up to my decision. for example, i would definitely try to ask my friend about what went wrong. whether it was a clash of personalities, or something about her that she's hiding from me. who else knows more about the girl than her ex-boyfriend? and of course, there's also the question of what i'll do if i found out that she was my friend's ex only after i got together with her.

but i guess at the end of the day, when you get together with your friend's ex, things will most likely be awkward. can you bring yourself to watch your ex-girlfriend acting all lovey dovey with your friend? there is really no correct answer to a question like this. it all depends on you. and in the end, it all boils down to one very important question:

which is more important to you?

love or friendship?

2010-02-19T03:14:00.004+08:00

i used to think it would be wonderful to have a lot of friends; to be Mr Popular. but i soon realized that having just a few true friends, beats having a million hi-bye friends.

a true friend won't always be there when you want them, but always there when you need them.

and a close friend will never ever say they're your close friends because talk is cheap. they will instead show it in their little actions.

i thought i was better off being alone. being able to do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. no burdens. no stress. total freedom.

but after you guys came into my life, i finally realized what i have been missing all this time.

life is so much better with you guys in it =)

2010-02-17T18:13:00.010+08:00

let's see. how should i start..

usually when it comes to blogging, i always have a hard time starting it off, which kind of explains the lack of updates. i'll have many things in my mind which i plan on writing but somehow, when i enter blogger, my mind goes blank. but just like all the other times, once i manage to get through that starting hurdle, the words will just smoothly flow out.

alright, now that i managed to get past that hurdle, let me just start off by saying a little something about my recent entries. somehow, i do not know why, but the general reactions i got were that people were kind of freaked out by the entries. i just don't understand. when i sent a letter to my female friend, my male friend was like "wah, you good ah. send to girls only ah..." and now when i do a little something for my guy friends, i'm gay. alright man! 3 cheers for lose-lose situations!

haha. just kidding. honestly speaking right, if you see the whole situation right: here we have a good-looking, let me emphasize on that again, good-looking guy, who has never been in a relationship with a girl, posting such entries to other guys on valentines day. oh my. that's really disturbing. and i feel equally disturbed just typing that.

and for the final time, let me say this: i'm not into hotdogs.

will not be talking about this issue ~~anytime soon~~ ever. i'm tired of repeating and i bet you guys are equally tired of reading the same thing over and over again.

*

past few days have been surreal. it was like before Chinese New Year, my mind was just all about how scarily close exams were. but when CNY came, it was like i was living in a totally different world. i totally forgot about school and exams (i bet most of you also felt this way). but now that the whole CNY feeling has faded off, the whole exams stress is returning. it's just like how alcohol can make you forget your worries but once the effect has died down, you realize that your problems are still there.

CNY was alright. and i realize i'm not much of a festival person. or a gambling person for that matter. i think i follow my mother's trait: we don't have that killing intent. which, in other words, means i suck when it comes to games which require one to do whatever it takes to win. which, in other words, also means i lost quite badly. the only time i ~~won~~ lost less was when this other guy screwed up and had to pay us all. felt so bad when he had to pay us all. oh well, i guess that's what gambling is all about. when it concerns money, friendship takes a backseat.

i guess some people are alright with that. but i'm not one such person. so i think unless i'm really required to, doubt i'll be gambling on mahjong anytime soon (well, maybe that's also because my friend has said she's willing to teach me all about mahjong after my exams. hoho!)

guess i'll be ending this entry here. there's still some other stuff i want to blog about but i'll leave them for another time. if all goes well, the next entry should be about everyone's favorite topic: relationships!

till next time~*

(i wish you were here with us. at times i wish nothing happened. it has really been a long time since i last saw you. i think it has almost been half a year since i last saw your face. i hope you're doing fine. i know i'm all grown up now but i miss you. i really do. will always love you no matter what..)

2010-02-14T13:00:00.001+08:00

to those who just got into a relationship, treasure this very day. 5 years down the road, Valentine's Day is not going to be the same as it was during your first Valentines. you're going to be dreading this day very soon.

and to those who have been in a relationship for a long time, see above. i told you so. just joking. don't just treat your partner exceptionally special on this day. make everyday a valentines day.

and to those who just got out of a relationship, do not feel too down, there must have been a reason why it did not work out. work on that and hopefully your next relationship won't end over the same reasons. and remember, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

and to those who have been single for a while, treasure singlehood. do not rush to get into a relationship. there are things that you can do now that you're on your own. so go do those things.

and finally, to those who have been single like since god-knows-when, i feel your pain.

Happy Valentine's Day people and a very Happy Chinese New Year to all my chinese friends out there!!! Huat ah!

Valentine's Day Special - 2

2010-02-14T12:31:00.007+08:00

(Disclaimer Notice)

before i begin with this post, i would just like to say a little something. once you have seen who the person i have dedicated this entry to is, i can definitely predict that the first thing that comes to your mind is something that rhymes with May and Clay. but let me say it for the gazillion-th time, i love ONLY girls. always have and always will. so now that that is cleared...

*

"hey bro, Beauty World Mcdonalds.."

i believe you should know who this entry is dedicated to. i guess only the person himself should know the significance of that particular Mcdonalds. haha. quite amazing right? don't really have to describe much about you. just one line and you know i'm talking about you.

actually i can't really remember how we got so close. it just happened. i guessed that's what they mean by having that chemistry. and maybe it's because of the fact that, just like fishball, your mandarin is totally epic. i remember the times when you would come to my bed when the lights were off. yes, you cheeky boy. HAHA! and we would slowly...

...chat about all our personal matters (disappointed? you pervertic people..). i remember it was during those times that i shared with you about my problems with her. i believe at that time, you were the only one who knew about me and her. throughout my whole 3 months there, i can honestly say you were my closest buddy there. i still can remember the days when we would always be the last two to run down for fall-ins. haha. good times. and who can ever forget the matter with you and J and the lights.

but of course, when you spend so much time together with people (well, we were practically living with each other for 5 days a week, for 3 months), it's only normal that you will be very close to these people. but it's only when you're separated that you see who your true friends are and who your "colleagues" are. and it was after our 3 months that i realized that you were going to be a close friend of mine in the long road ahead.

and i still remember this one time:

you : hey bro, where are you now ah?

me : (feeling damn tired and not in the mood to talk) i'm still in the office doing some stuff. why leh?

*ding dong* DOORS CLOSING *beep beep beep beep*

you : hey bro. what the fck man..

me : ...fk

you : hey bro, you don't want talk it's ok leh. why need to bluff me sia? i'm also not your girlfriend leh...

haha. can never forget that moment. so embarrassing.

i do not know why but whenever i feel like i have any relationship matters, i can always count on you to hear me out. and i just love it how when we meet, we usually start off with some random topic before we move on to the real deal: girls! haha! some things just never change eh?

hey bro, i know you may be kind of disturbed by this post or maybe even touched. haha. well, if a guy were to dedicate something like this to me, i guess i'll be touched but a little freaked out as well. anyways, just had to say this for old times sake: i'm not gay. i'm just a gentle, sensitive guy..

appreciate having you as a friend. eventhough we hardly meet up, it always seem like just yesterday that i talked to you. there's never that air of awkwardness whenever we hang out. really can talk about everything with you, from serious stuff to absolutely life-wasting rubbish. haha.

thank you for everything, little angry boy.

*

i remember someone once told me that you will meet all kinds of people in the army and some of them may turn out to be friends for life. how so very true.. i'm really lucky to have met friends like you guys.

*

Valentine's Day Special - 1

2010-02-14T12:30:00.009+08:00

(Disclaimer Notice)

before i begin with this post, i would just like to say a little something. once you have seen who the person i have dedicated this entry to is, i can definitely predict that the first thing that comes to your mind is something that rhymes with May and Clay. but let me say it for the gazillion-th time, i love ONLY girls. always have and always will. so now that that is cleared...

*

I remember when i first got to know you better, it was because of our love for drawing. mine were the cute girly manga characters while yours were the dark gloomy characters. i remember being super impressed with your artworks eventhough you thought they were crap. actually i still believe you were just being humble.

remember this?

this was our very first collaboration. totally love it man. cannot bear to throw it away cause i feel it's really the best one that we did together. and this was the last one that we did:

the first and last one we did turned out to be the two best i must say. brings back memories right? i would always be very excited opening the book after you returned it to me because i never knew what you would have drawn. and i can truly say, i was never ever disappointed. in training school, we were only just 2 people with the same interest. but i really started to see you as more of a friend when we were in unit.

remember the first day you moved into my bunk? and if you don't, let me refresh your memory with an entry in my little black book:

HAD SO MANY THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT. BUT CANNOT! CAUSE THERE IS NO LIGHT. WHY? CAUSE MY 2 NEW BUNKMATES ARE ASSHOLES. ONE IS A EMO FREAK WHO SHOULD JUST GO KILL HIMSELF OR SOMETHING...

ouch. but hey, after that stunt with my handphone and overturned cupboard, i think we can pretty much say we're even. but seriously, the handphone stunt, was really f-ked up. but nice one anyways, you guys really got me. but it was during that time that we started to get to know each other better. and i realised that we had so much in common. like how we both suck in mandarin and how we are secretly both sick people. i know you hate to admit it but we are so alike in so many ways. don't deny. haha. and just to add, our birthdays are just 1 day apart. what are the odds right?

but i know that beneath that dark, cold exterior lies a very nice guy. don't believe me? let me just give you a few examples. like how you would always help me out even though your mouth says no. actually that one example covers almost everything. you have always been covering my back since like forever. and honestly, i really appreciate it. at first, i used to wonder how someone can be so dumb as to help me out every single time. but now, i realise that people like you are a gem in today's selfish society. so many times you have helped me without asking for anything in return.

at first, i thought you were a very cold person. but after knowing you for so long, i now know you are nothing like that. you are a great person and i pray that you will find that big breasts girl who is waiting for you. HAHA! and six more years before i become eligible to be your BFF! Alright man!

i can definitely say that you've been squirming uncomfortably in your seat ever since you've began reading this entry. haha. but it's just a little something to show you that i really appreciate having such a great friend in my life.

thank you for everything, fishball dugong.

*

i remember someone once told me that you will meet all kinds of people in the army and some of them may turn out to be friends for life. how so very true.. i'm really lucky to have met friends like you guys.

*

2010-02-12T16:50:00.003+08:00

have been pretty pre-occupied with a lot of stuff lately so didn't really have the time to sit down and really concentrate on blogging. i'm the type of person who cannot be distracted when i blog. even a simple thing like chatting with me online while i blog will make me totally lose focus on what i'm blogging about.

but today have been a productive day in terms of blogging for me. will be posting 3 entries come this Sunday. already have them typed out and all it takes now is to press the PUBLISH POST button. but why all the suspense? haha. life could use a little drama at times, don't you agree? plus it's more significant if they were posted on that day rather than any other days. it's all about the setting, the ambiance, the timing.

oh well, maybe i'll just do a simple entry before that if the mood arrives..

2010-02-01T00:40:00.003+08:00

people always say a blog is like a diary. it's a place where you let your fingers do the talking and where all your feelings and emotions are put into words. different people write different things on their blogs. some write about what they did for the day, some write about random stuff, some write one-liners, and so on. but the main difference between a diary and a blog is that one is private while the other is not. a diary is something which you write your deep dark secrets in and hopefully it'll never ever land in the hands of someone else. a blog on the other-hand is on something called 'the internet' and that is anything but private. there's always the option of locking your blog but that kind of beats the whole purpose of having a blog right?

to me, the main difference between the two is that there are some things which you cannot write down on your blog. like how you've fallen for someone. "why can't you?" you may ask. well, for the simple fact that the person may be reading your blog.

"but the person has no idea who you're talking about if you don't mention their names."

it's only true to some extend. let me give you an example. if a girl were to suddenly say on her blog: i think i may have fallen for a guy. he's in my class and has this mohawk hairstyle. people thinks he's quite cold but i've seen the other side of him and i think i may have fallen for him. and if i'm the only guy in her class with a mohawk, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who she's talking about right, eventhough she doesn't mention my name.

so there you have it. it kind of sucks at times when i want to write about lovey dovey stuff but at the same time, i know that some of the people i'm intending to write about are reading this blog.

so since i cannot write down all the details, all i can do is this:

i think i may have fallen for a girl..

-end-

2010-01-31T02:18:00.002+08:00

valentine's day coming up so i'll be doing a special entry to 2 very special friends of mine..

later~!

2010-01-30T16:38:00.009+08:00

(note: the following post will be long. i think it'll be one of the longest entry i ever posted. and this is just the first part of it. so for those people who have phobias of a lot of words or is already panicking at the length of this entry, i advise you to read one paragraph at your own pace and take a break before proceeding to the next. or for those extreme cases, you could like read a paragraph a day or maybe one paragraph a week. at the rate i blog, by the time you finish this entry, maybe i'll be done with my next. i love people visiting my blog, but your well-being is also very important to me. and it's not because if something happened to you, i'll have one less reader. no no, absolutely not.)

spent some time looking back on all the photos in my Facebook account. the first few photos that were ever uploaded were the ones i took when i was in the army. and that's like a few years ago-

wait.

it's not even a few years ago. it's more like 1, 2 years ago. that means that when my blog started off, there wasn't even facebook yet. hmm. oh ya, there was friendster. friendster was cool at the beginning but it started to turn lame eversince random non-existant people would be viewing your profile and your comment board would be filled with crap like "hihi! wanna see my *(let your imaginations run wild my pervertic friends)*" anyways, back to the subject. i was just viewing my old photos when i suddenly wondered why i never had any group photos when i was in the polytechnic.

oh ya, that's right. that's because i totally cut myself out from the outside world during that time. i guess i shall share with you guys a little about myself. but before that,

(Disclaimer Notice)

The following post ~~contains a few~~ is full of stuff about the writer. if you are the kind of person who hates to hear about anybody elses' life story except your own, i advise you exit this page and go to some happier place with rainbows and unicorns and dancing fairies.

yeah right. as if you're going to exit this page. it's just like how porn sites have age limits warning and pirated DVD have anti-piracy messages before the film. kind of useless and ironic eh? anyways, hopefully i'll not be too draggy and long winded. just the thought of writing my life story is starting to make me sleepy..

i never was a popular kid to begin with. eversince primary school, i was never one of the "IN" kids. i always belonged to the "rest of the class". not that it was a bad thing. in fact, i was quite happy being where i was. in primary school, i would hang out with this other 2 guys and we would play make-believe and stuff. we were living in our own world. (but later i found out that my crush was just treating me nice because she wanted to get closer with one of my 2 friends because she had a crush on him. so in other words, my crush had a crush on my friend who had a crush on dinosaurs. ouch. but that's a story for another time.)

anyways, moving on.

secondary school was no different. i didn't fit in with the popular kids. i guess when you're a chinese and if your first language of choice is english, you tend to not fit in anywhere. when the chinese kids talked about chinese stuff, i was lost. all i could do was smile and laugh eventhough i had no idea what the hell was going on. i suppose that's how i mastered the art of laughing on cue. hanging out with the non-chinese was no different. they would talk to me in english but when they talked amongst themselves, they would switch back to their mother-tongues. and as usual, cue smile and laughter. but this was different cause they would ask:

"you understand what we saying meh?"

cue awkward moment

but soon you adapt and learn to live with what you got. but it was not so bad as secondary school classes were big and if you didn't like one clique, there's always many others for you to fit in.

but it all changed when i entered polytechnic where the classes were as big as one clique...

2010-01-24T02:08:00.002+08:00

was just browsing through some of my old entries. how long has it been since i first started? about 4 years now. but the whole of last year was hibernation mode. only 2 entries out of the entire 12 months. *laughs* at that time i really thought that that was it. my blog's curtain call. but as you can already tell, it came out of hibernation mode some time ago, much to my surprise as well.

but as i look back on some of my entries, i slowly remembered why i started blogging in the first place. a place to store my memories so that 10, 20 years down the road, i can look back on it and remember all the wonderful times that happened in my short, short life. it's also the same for photographs. if not for the visible stuff, chances are, these memories will slowly fade from our minds as time passes by. it's only through these photographs or letters or physical objects that our memories will all come rushing back.

so yeah. there you have it, a little insight into the history of my blog.

*

had a dream about her a few nights back-

*interruption* change of subject for a minute. for those of you who have followed my blog for a long time, you would have noticed that the last two entries were the first times that i actually included pictures with my post. i remember someone once said a good blog was one that had both pictures and words. so ya, now my blog has words and 2 pictures! alright man! my blog totally rocks!

...ok. that's just sad. pictures just don't work for me on my blog. so from this entry on, it's back to how it began. honestly, if you want pictures, there's always facebook. but if you really have to see a picture of me, do let me know. i'll personally autograph a self-portrait of myself for you. best part? i'll do it for free. and do let me know whether you intend to display my picture on the wall or keep it in your wallet, so i can adjust the size of the photo accordingly.

...some people just have no shame.

anyways, where was i? oh ya, let's continue..

had a dream about her a few nights back. and i think i have found the perfect way to have dreams at night. i do not know if it applies to everyone, but for me, it's playing my psp right before i sleep. i realised that everytime i did that, i'll sure to have a dream that night.

and if i'm not wrong, this has to be the second time i dreamt of her. and just like the first, it felt so real. i could feel the warmth of her body when she held on to me. and eventhough it felt so real, i knew it was all just a dream. but deep inside, a small part of me was hoping that it was real.

and like other time, when i was in my "special room of wild imaginations and deep thoughts" aka. the toilet, i thought to myself: what exactly are dreams?

are they the result of an over-active mind?

are they a sign of things to come?

or are they the total opposite: your inner desires that you know will never come true?

and do they have any meaning in them? or are they just random stuff?

so many questions. and no way to find out the answers. guess dreams are just one of the world's many many mysteries. but to me, i guess dreams are just your mind's way of letting you enjoy the things that you will never ever be able to experience in the real world. i should know. for it is totally impossible for me and her to be together.

i love dreaming. but i also do know that we live in the real world and that the people we see around us are the real deal. i'd rather live in a world with all kinds of feelings (happiness, sadness, etc.) then live in a world with a happiness that is not real. of course, it would be lovely if the world was perfect. but just like my real-life situation with her, some things can only happen in dreams.

till next time, sweet dreams people..

2010-01-10T02:00:00.006+08:00

it's complicated..

actually i don't really know why some people make life out to be so complicated. if you ask me, i'll tell you that life itself is very simple. it's the people who tend to do things to complicated it. same goes for relationships. i used to believe that relationships were also so clear-cut. if you're happy in your relationship, good for you. and if you're unhappy, just break it off. it's as simple as that. but it's easy to say these when you're not involved and are just a party looking from the outside.

i never really did understand relationships. i never understood when someone can tell me how sad or unhappy they are in their current relationship and 5 years down the road, they're still together. or how someone in a 7, 8 years relationship can be talking about spending the rest of their life with their other half and the next thing i know, they're with someone new. i guess sometimes life just don't make any sense. oh well, i've also been told countless times before: life is not always so black and white.

now why am i suddenly bringing up about relationships? well, at my age, that has to be like the number 1 topic to talk about. i'll be talking about it today. tomorrow. the next week. the next year. 10 years down the road. it's one of those topics that never gets old.

sometimes i do really wonder what kind of a boyfriend i'll make. but at the moment, i do not really have anyone special in my life. no one particular person that can take my breath away or make me lose sleep over. yes, there are many pretty girls out there but no juliet to this romeo. anyways, it's not like i'm really desperate for a girlfriend or anything now. truth be told, i really cannot imagine sharing my life with someone else. the thought just scares me..

..seriously.

2009-12-19T01:08:00.004+08:00

rays of sunlight piercing through the dark clouds...

it looked like there was a 'mini party' happening behind the clouds and the search lights from the 'party' were all shining into the sky. it was really a beautiful scene. too bad my camera didn't manage to capture the whole event in its magnificant glory. the sun hiding behind the clouds and its ray just shooting out from behind the clouds and spreading from one end of the sky to the other. nature at its most beautiful.

( kenneth ♥ taking time off to just look at the clouds in the sky.. )

felt kinda guilty today. was at mcdonalds with my frisbee mates and i ordered a mega mcspicy meal. i can't really remember whether it was i who said the wrong thing or the staff who took the wrong order. (i bet this has happened to most of us before, where we intend to say one thing but something else comes out from our mouth.) when i got back to my table, i realised that they had given me a big mac instead of a mcspicy. for your info, a mcspicy cost more than a big mac. i felt a little shortchanged as i was given a big mac when i paid for a mcspicy. i took the burger and receipt and went back to the counter. i gave them the burger and told them that they had made a mistake. they apologised and proceeded to change my burger. i looked at my receipt again and that was when i realised.

they had in fact charged me for a big mac instead of a mcspicy as i had all along thought. so in other words, by changing my order, i paid for a big mac but was getting a mcspicy. so instead of paying too much, i was now paying lesser. they did not give me the wrong order. they had taken the wrong order. upon realising this, i quickly offered to pay the difference. but the staff just smiled and said it was alright. eventhough i insisted a few times, he refused to accept. i felt quite bad but there was nothing more i could do. i could not possibly put the change there and run away right?

till now i do not really know who was the one who made the error. but how the staff handled the whole issue was top-notch. as i write this, i think back on the day when my friends and i were talking about the customer service in Singapore. had a bad experience in astons the other day. they made us wait eventhough there were tables available and they even served people who arrived after us their food first. and not once did the senior staff apologise to us.

fastfood restaurants like mcdonalds and kfc. if they were to get your orders wrong, they would always apologise and change them for you. and the guys working there are only paid how much? 3$, 4$? sometimes, i think the service these 3,4$ guys provide are far more superior than the service some top restaurants provide. why should i be paying for GST when the staff don't even smile at me? i would rather give it to these 3,4$ guys..

2009-12-18T01:05:00.004+08:00

had lunch with a few of my female friends today. nothing against them and love them lots but when they start talking about korean boybands, oh my god. they can go on and on about how cute the boys are. yes. my friends totally freak out when random korean guys' names are mentioned. and all this while, i'm like "o...k. someone please save me. please let a random friend just suddenly appear and save me from the kimchi groupie." but somehow no one ever appears. and i'm stuck there with the kimchi girls. and i just love it when they look at me and say: "kenneth, why you so quiet? i thought you usually talk a lot?" hmmm... maybe i'm quiet because i don't really have much to say about cute korean guys? thankfully, i had with me a friend that is 'don't worry. i'm not as into k-pop as them'. she's the one that really kept my sanity in place. thank god for her.

(ps. you girls are really very lovely people. but not so much when you go into hyper kimchi-mode. hope you don't get offended if you do happen to see this. we can still be friends!)

*

ok. let's talk serious..

we live in a scary world.

was just talking with rach today about friends and trust issues. to me, i personally believe that you should never give your 100% trust to anyone. not even to your other halves or best friends. because, i know it's not very nice to be hearing this but, human are all hypocrites. it's just to what extend this hypocrisy lies in each and everyone of us. the thing with people that scares us the most is that we will never know what that someone is thinking.

the person who always treats you like trash and push you around may in fact be secretly in love with you.

the boyfriend who is looking in your eyes and saying how much he loves you may be thinking about his weekend plans with his new hot female co-worker.

the innocent, nerdy girl who says she has a small crush on you may in fact have a whole cupboard full of your photos all over.

we really never know what the other person is thinking. and sometimes, the person may smile at you straight in the face but in their mind, evil intentions are slowly forming. i know of people who in person are cheerful and always very sociable with everyone, but on their blogs, the entries are all full of hate and despair. which makes one really wonder, just which exactly is the real you?

and i'm no angel myself. i can dislike this person but still proceed to talk nicely with him/her. does that make me any more of a hypocrite? i believe this happens to most of us. the whole group dislikes this particular member for some particular reason, but somehow, that person is always together with the group. why? because it would be heartless to just leave out this person. so it would be heartless to leave this person out, but it's alright to keep talking bad about this person behind their back?

i just don't get it..

2009-12-11T01:51:00.002+08:00

( kenneth ♥ all things nostalgic.. )

last night was even better than i could ever imagine. went to zouk with the army guys. at first i thought it was going to be another boring clubbing outing until i actually met up with the guys. meeting up with people who you have not seen for quite some time was really amazing. chatting and just seeing each other again, wonderful. i knew meeting up with old friends is a wonderful feeling, but didn't expect it to be THIS great.

a special shout-out to my dugong buddy, J-miah. if you're reading this, just want to say that i love you man.

no. you don't get it.

i really love you man..

like, really REALLY love you man..

HAHAHAHA! totally new urban male gayness personified! joking man. i do love you but not the "banana lover"-kind of loving. it's always good to see you man. never a dull moment with you around.

had a blast in the club with the guys. mambo music blaring and stupid hand actions all capped off an amazing evening. and to add on to the already awesome evening, there was this girl that i was attracted to. kenneth has a soft spot for sweet-looking girls. and no, it wasn't some random girl in the club. she happened to be a friend of a friend of my friend. we were dancing (well, it was more like i was dancing and she was just standing there), when suddenly this group of guys started getting close to her and introducing themselves to her. and that was when she turned to me and said:

"can you act as my boyfriend..?"

cue glaring eyes and protective-ness aura. haha. of course i was more than obliged to agree to her oh-so-minute request. but that 1-2 mins of temporary attachment was as close as i got to her cause we did not really talk much throughout the night. it's kinda hard to start a conversation with

(a) someone in a club with all the music blaring.
(b) a shy, quiet and sweet girl.
(c) someone who you do not know very well. actually it's more of someone who you do not know at all.

in the end, we parted ways without even me having the chance to say goodbye. but if you know me well enough, you will know that i can be very resourceful when the situation arises (aka. stalker-mode activated). but please do not get me wrong, i am not the kind of person who will follow the girl wherever she goes and send her random gifts without leaving my name. no no. i am not that extreme. all i did was go onto facebook to look her up. (do not tsk tsk me. i know a lot of you also do the same!) and guess what i found out? she's attached.

cue sad music in background and sound of glass breaking.

oh ya, and to add insult to injury, she said that it was not as fun hanging out with us as it was with her other friends. ouch.

cue colors of the surroundings all fading and sad violin music in the background.

that really sucks. haha. but i really do think i'm being overly emotional over someone i just met. oh well, life goes on..

2009-12-05T02:48:00.007+08:00

went zouk last night. had a really good time over there. it really has been a while since i last went clubbing, the last being sometime in august if my memory serves me right. anyways, today's post is not about clubbing. shall be mentioning about two particular events that really caught my attention. actually it's not really two events; it's more like two people.

the two being the female partners of my 2 friends.

lets go off topic for a moment..

a wise lady used to tell me: it's hard to find a partner cause most of us do not know what we are looking for in a partner. when we first start off in the whole BGR field, we all expect two things: good looks and nice personality. we have this idealistic vision of the perfect partner. but as we grow older, we soon learn that there's no such thing as a perfect partner. so as time goes by, we meet different types of people and slowly, we learn to be more specific in what we look for in a partner. wise lady also tell me: if you do not know what you want in a partner, the next best thing is to know what you do not want in a partner.

now back to topic..

about my two friends. their girlfriends are really opposite in terms of personality. when i first met girlfriend number 1 (let's call her Sunrise), she was very sociable. we talked like we had been friends for ages. we could talk and joke about random stuff. it was really like i known Sunrise my whole life. even one of our mutual friend thought that Sunrise and I were long-time friends.

and then there's girlfriend number 2 (let's call her Windy). the first time i saw her was when my friend introduced her to me. all she could come up with was a weak smile. after which, there was no more eye contact. no hello, no form of interaction, no form of acknowledgement. woah, i thought to myself. oh well, maybe she's just shy. but throughout the evening, when my group of friends went to hang out with that friend of mine, Windy would just ignore us and continue doing her thing. it was as if we weren't even there. and even in the end, when we took our leave and said goodbye to that friend of ours, Windy could not even bring herself to smile, wave or even say a simple goodbye back to us as well. i was really taken aback by that.

2 girlfriends. same level of closeness between them and me. but two totally different personalities.

which really made me think. if i do get a girlfriend in the future, i really hope she can be comfortable around my friends. it would be great if she could get along with them and not be as cold as Windy. it's alright if my girlfriend didn't really talk much with my friends cause i understand that it's hard to have a conversation when there's no mutual topics to talk about. but a little smile or acknowledgement would be good enough for me. with me, it's always about the little things..

2009-12-04T22:59:00.004+08:00

what is love..?

why do i always fall for the unavailable girls? haha. damn. there are like so many single and available girls out there but i always find myself getting involved with those that are in relationships or have someone in mind. i really don't know why. and why does it always seem like all the potential girls out there are all attached? it's not like i have very high standards or anything. but i really do feel that i get infactuated rather easily.

pleasant-looking + treat me nice = kenneth in "love"

so can you imagine just how many girls i haved "loved" so far? kind of pathetic right? sighz. it's been quite some time since i ever had a real crush that i was willing to give my 100% devotion to. so far, the only 2 girls that really did that were.. if you have been following my blog or if you know me close enough, you should know who they are. never had the habit of mentioning names on my blog. you never know who may be reading it. oh well..

people get into relationship. break. get back together. break. find someone new.

and i just stay single all this time. haha. honestly, that kind of sucks. but i don't want to just find any other girl. i want someone who i can have a conversation with. someone who shares the same interests as me. someone who i can just "click" with.

they say we all have that special someone out there for us. so where is my special someone? it's kind of cool thinking about it right. if there was really such a thing as that special someone for all of us out there, then i really do wonder..

where are you my special other half..

and when are you going to appear in my life..

or..

are you already in my life..?

( my greatest fantasy at the moment is to stand in the rain with my girlfriend. with the rain pouring down on us as we stand there hand in hand and just embracing the moment.. )

2009-08-17T01:55:00.003+08:00

... and with that, a new chapter begins ~*

2009-08-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

it has been a while, hasn't it..

once again i'm drawn back to this lil' old blog of mine. how long has it already been since my first post? let's see. first post in december 2005, which makes it about 3 and a half years old.

why am i back here?

i remember very clearly telling her: "because i feel like i can share my problems with people now, so i don't see a need to write it on my blog anymore" when she asked me whether i still updated my blog. but after a while, i realised that there's only so much you can share with others. i soon came to realise that most people don't actually care about other people's problems. it's always only about them.

* a conversation between me and a friend *

her: "you know right, blah blah blah..."

me: "uh huh. yeah.."

"hey, you know right, i feel so paiseh. i feel like i've been talking non-stop about me. why don't you tell me more about yourself"

"oh.. ok. i don't know why, but i always end up falling for the wrong type of people.. like you know-"

"YA! YA! i so know what you mean! like this one time, i met this guy, blah blah blah..." (proceeds to talking about herself again)

*

so yeah. i'm back here once again. so without further ado,

here..

we..

go..

2009-08-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

a particular Mr. J said the entry about my ord feelings sucks. his exact words were:

your these kind of blog no fun to read. more fun to read the emo emo entries. the ones where you "i will fight for you" kind.
happy blogs are boring.
emo blogs are more fun.
the sadder they are the better.

obviously, Mr. J here has some personal issues. but i do have to agree that positive stuff can be boring. and it's usually the negativity that draws people attention.

"and i present you the new Miss Universe 2010: Miss _____ !" reluctant applauses from the crowd.

"oh my god! the top of Miss _____'s dress just suddenly slid down, exposing her -" and the crowd goes wild.

get my point? ...no wait. why did i even write all the above for in the first place? hmm.. oh well, moving along..

oh ya. i wrote the above because of this line he said:

the ones where you "i will fight for you" kind.

i was reading back on my past entries and i realised that i was hardly ever happy whenever you were in my life. and in the end, i thought it was impossible to get over you. but somehow i did. i managed to get you out of my life, to totally forget about you. at first, i still thought we could be friends. but after you stood me up again, i realised why i wanted you out of my life. like you once said, a leopard never changes its spots. how ironic. those words coming from you of all person. so with that, i say goodbye to you for good.

goodbye. and may you never come into my life again..

...and so it begins again.

2009-04-14T19:24:00.006+08:00

1 year 2 months...

that's the amount of time that have past since my last entry. who would have thought that i would be here once again. even i myself thought that i was through with the whole blogging thing. i wasn't even sure if i would remember the password to log into here. this blog was not only the place where i could confide in, it was also the place where some people were hurt by the words i've written. it was supposed to be my private sanctum but i also knew that it was the place where my hates and feuds would be made public for all to see. but as i grew older and more mature, i soon realise how childish and insensitive i was. and that was when i realised that enough was enough. a blog was not my private sanctum. hell, it was not even private.

and so one day, i told myself: what's the point of starting an online journal if i have to be careful of whatever i write? and so, i logged out of my blogspot account for the very last time..

..or so i thought.

*

actually there's something i must confess.

i'm kinda afraid of ORD-ing. why you may ask? firstly, there's this small problem of something that people call 'your future'. and secondly, i hate saying goodbyes. let me explain.

what does my future hold? er.. at the moment, my future is like a new piece of paper: it's blank. and that's a scary thought. for one, ain't going to be anyone to feed me from monday to friday anymore (cookhouse food may be quite bad at times but hey, they get the job done). and also, the bank account will start reading [WITHDRAW], [WITHDRAW], [WITHDRAW]. ain't going to be seeing the word [DEPOSIT] anytime soon unless something is done. i'm in the army now and can only come out on weekends. and for most of these weekends, if i got no plans, what happens? i just rot my life away. can you imagine what will happen after army? it won't only be the weekends, it will be 24/7. and the thought of that, is one very very scary thought. life will be so meaningless.

2008-02-02T13:24:00.000+08:00

it seemed like just yesterday that i was at Marina Square having lunch with the class, and just last week that i was at the Changi chalet with everyone. i still remember vividly the emotions that were running through me on the last day. the tears that tickled down my cheeks when it was time to say goodbye to everyone. yes, i would see them again sometime in the futur, but it just wouldn't be the same again..

that was 4 years ago..

4 years on..

at first, i didn't want to attend her birthday chalet cause i knew i was going to feel out of place. but i told myself to see it as a class gathering instead of a chore.

Many things happened during this 4 years. i could see the changes everyone went through. some had became more pretty, more matured, taller, slimmer, etc. the physical changes were evident. and in some cases, even their personality/character had also changed. but in most cases, if not all, no matter how they changed on the outside, somethings just do not change.. like the feelings you once had for someone when you were together in class. yes, the feelings fades as time passes, but it never actually dies out.

in my life, i've done many things. even if they were mistakes, i took it as lessons in life. but the only one regret i ever had which i still feel now was that time when i received that sms from her.

if only i haven't hesitated..
if only she hadn't immediately replied..
if only..

but i guess all these don't matter now, do they? sometimes in life, you only get one shot. and if you miss that one shot, you don't get a second try.

she was also at the chalet, but only for a while. i couldn't bear to look her in the eye (message to self: you seriously need to work on your confidence monsieur kenneth) and when i did manage to look at her, all those emotions came rushing out. but there was one fact which i couldn't overlook.

..she already had a boyfriend.

and for a moment(yes, i'm ashamed of myself), i thought of getting closer to her.

i would tell others about how i detest guys who hit on girls who were attached and yet, here i was, thinking of getting closer to her. ever noticed how easy it is to tell others to do something but it's rather hard when you have to apply it to yourself?

but luckily, my friend reminded me of my values and what i should do about the situation. "if you really love a person, you'll want them to be happy.. with or without you."

do i still regret not doing what i did 4 years ago?

always.

but will i do anything to change that?

..no. i missed my chance. and i just have to live with that fact.

*

have been having morbid thoughts lately. eversince my granny passed away, i keep having all these thoughts about death and the afterlife. at times, i will look in the mirror and think to myself: "i'm already 20. it wouldn't be long before i reafch 40. and then 60. and maybe 80 if i'm lucky. and then what happens after that? what will happen after i die?"

sighz. i shouldn't be thinking about stuff like these. there's still so many things i haven't done yet. but i shouldn't worry right? cause there's still a long way to go before i meet my maker right?

...right?

*

sighz.

sometimes, i wish my phone would ring..
sometimes, i wish i would receive a message from you..
sometimes, i wish i would hear from you..
a letter..
a note..
a call..
a message..
anything..

how i long for someone to hold..
for someone who i can share my tears and laughters with..
for someone who would make valentine day a special day for me..
for someone who i can spend time cuddling up to and just do nothing..

how i long for someone to love and be loved by..

~*~

2007-11-18T16:38:00.000+08:00

hmm.. it's been quite some time since there was some activities on this lil' old blog of mine. but guess that really can't be help. eversince i entered the army, not only have my free time been greatly reduced, my brain juices have also all dried up. when they say that in the army, you can leave your brain at home, they really weren't joking. anyways, shalln't talk about my army life now. i'm in army mode almost 5 days a week so i guess it's best if i revert back to civilian mode whenever i can to keep my sanity in check.

let's see. what should i blog about today...

oh ya. someone once told me that my blog entries are everytime very depressing. but i have to say, it kinda matches the color scheme of my blog no? so to clear the air, just like to let you guys know that my life is not all the sad and dull. i do have my wonderful moments as well. it's just that i'm the kind of person that keeps all my problems and troubles inside me. i do not like to tell people my problems for 2 simple reasons.

- i do not have many people who i feel close enough to share my problems with.
- and for those few that i have, i do not like to trouble them.

and because of this, i turn to this blog to express myself. and that is why most of my entries are all sad and dull. and as for all my wonderful moments? well, if i really need to let out all the excitement, i just go ahead and tell anybody that crosses my path, even if the person doesn't give a shit about it. emotions are contagious. ever noticed how when one of your friend is down, you'll also feel down as well? and if your friend is all hyper and happy, you'll also feel the same? that's why i don't like sharing my problems with my friends. i want them to stay happy and not get all down because of me. aww kenneth, you are such a thoughtful guy. OH! SELF PRAISE TO THE MAX!!

*

let's talk about love. don't know why but at this point of time in my life, i just cannot seem to get sick of this topic.

i have a confession to make. for those of you who don't know me well, here's a little self intro about my outtake on love. i know in our current society, this may sound highly impossible but it has always been my dream to marry my first girlfriend. i wanted to be the perfect kind of guy that would always be there for his girlfriend and would never cause her to shed a single tear over him. i had this perfect vision about how i wanted things to be like.

that was then..

but now, i realised that i'm not as perfect as i thought myself to be and that things do not always turn out the way you want it to. let me bring you back to the times with the most recent girl..

we started off on a high. we had fun, we enjoyed each other's company, there's wasn't any worries or anything. it was smooth sailing. at this point of time, we were still just friends. but when we started to go beyond being friends, that's when things went downhill. i got jealous easily, i became possessive, i started to expect a lot from her. and because of this, we were constantly arguing and everyone ended up being hurt.

maybe i'm just not cut out with this whole girlfriend-boyfriend stuff. now as i look back, my dream of being the perfect boyfriend seems to be a big joke. but after what happened, i also realised. maybe i should stop trying so hard and just be myself. in the past, when girls liked me without me knowing, they liked me for who i was. i wasn't trying or doing anything special, i was just being myself. and they just liked the simple old me.

so i've decided. this whole dream about having the perfect love life? to hell with it.

but i still want to hold on to the belief that i can still marry my first serious girlfriend =P

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL NOVEMBER BABIES!!

2007-10-27T11:27:00.000+08:00

Tony and i were making our way home after catching a movie. we were walking home when i asked him about how he and his girlfriend were doing. i remember reading one of his messages on his handphone about how his girlfriend was asking him not to go. yes, i know. you must be thinking, how could i read other people's messages right?
er... i happened to stumble across it by accident? i accidentally clicked menu, followed by messages and then inbox. it was an accident! seriously!

"i think i'm going to end things with her. i really don't think things will work out between us" Tony said.

"but why? Did she do something wrong? or has the chemistry between the two of you fizzled out?" i asked.

"nono.. she didn't do anything wrong. as a matter of fact, she's been a very faithful girlfriend"

"eh? then why? i thought you guys were doing great. why the sudden change?" i asked as my mind started working out all the possible reasons.

"you know that she's older than me by 2 years right?"

"yeah, i know"

"everything was going smoothly until..."

"until...?"

"until she started talking about marriage."

"eh? and what's the issue here?"

"didn't you hear me? i said marriage! you know, where two people pledge to spend the rest of the lives together, till death do us part, yada yada"

"i know what is marriage thank you."

"it's not a big issue now but think about it. i'm 20 years old now, she's 22. after my poly, i'll enter NS and waste another 2 years off my youth. and if you do the maths, by the time i'm out of NS, i would be around 24 right?"

"uh huh. and where is this going?"

"and she will be 26 right?"

"uh huh..."

"and guess by what age does she intend to get married?"

"er... 26?"

"YES! you're quite smart eh?"

"well.. that was a dumb obvious question to begin with" i said softly to myself.

"did you say something?"

"nope. just talking to myself. but i don't quite get you. don't you intend to marry this girl one day?"

"no. i mean yes. i mean no. ARGH! i don't know ok!"

"ok ok. chill."

"i still want to enjoy my youth. and eversince she brought this up, i just can't look at her the same way again..."

"do you still have feelings for her?"

Tony looked away. i already knew his answer without him having to say it.

"so how do you intend to tell her about it?"

"i don't. i've been avoiding her for quite some time already. not answering her calls, not contacting her.. i just hope she gets the hint."

"that's real cruel you know..."

"you'd do the same."

i tried to argue back but i could not. he was right. there was a time when i did that to someone. cruel, yes. but at that time, it seemed like the only option.

"i really hate myself. but if i held on eventhough i don't feel anything for her anymore, don't you think that is worse? wouldn't i be just stringing her along?" Tony said.

once again, he was right. it was wrong, but at the same time, it was right. ironic eh..

"do you know how bad i feel when i hear her crying over the phone and begging me not to leave? do you think i like that?!"

i found myself speechless. i opened my mouth but no words came out. i looked within myself. i was in no position to tell him what to do. i remember a time when i was in his position.

"just do what you feel is best ok?" was the only consolation words i could offer him.

"sighz. yeah..."

i looked up into the night sky. why must fate bring together two people who are not meant for each other? is there really such thing as loving someone forever? or is love something that slowly dies down as time moves on?

i thought about my own love life. i dare to say i really fell in love with someone. and although i thought of walking away time after time, the feeling still lingered.

the anger came and went..
the happiness came and went..
the sadness came and went..

..but my feelings for her never left.

i never really understood how you can stop loving someone. if it's possible, then it's not love right? i still want to hold onto the belief that it's possible to love someone all your life. naive thinking? maybe. but it's my life anyways right?

2007-10-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

you know the similarity between my blog and my social life?

they're both dead.

*

i miss my friends. i miss having fun with them. army life can be real fucked up at times. have been feeling kind of down lately. let's see...

1. i've kinda forgotten what it's like to have a social life.

2. as a matter of fact, i've kinda forgotten what it's like to have a LIFE.

3. my friends all seem to be disappearing one by one.

4. i never have enough sleep.

5. my love life just went up in smoke. the one person that gave me strength gave up on me.

6. i have a medical problem which i can't share with anyone.

7. i don't have time for any of my friends. and because of this, (see point number 3).

well, that about sums up my wonderful life at the moment. sighz. really want to blog about something cause writing has been my inspiration. but when day in, day out you keep doing the same things, there's really nothing to write about.

sighz.

i really miss the times when i had something to look forward to. i miss the times when i was around people, BOTH guys and girls. i miss the times when i had someone special to think about. i miss the times when i could just meet up with my friends anytime i wish.

i really miss those times...

argh. i really could do with some form of motivation, encouragement.. life seems so bleak at the moment..

2007-10-13T11:53:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, i'd like to sincerely apologise to the girl stated in my last few posts.

when i first started off, i wanted my blog to be a place where i could release my inner-most thoughts. well, most people would assume it is that way right? i had the mindset: 'hey, it's MY blog, so i'm going to write anything i want to. and if you don't like what you read, that's just too bad..'

but i came to realised that i was wrong in thinking that way. yes, it's true that we're entitled to write anything we want. but just because you CAN do it, it doesn't mean you HAVE to do it.

a close friend of mine once told me: "how would you like if someone did that to you? i know the blog belongs to you. but how would you feel if someone were to write all the negative stuff about you and let the whole world read it? how would you feel if someone wrote stuff about you that made you out to be a total jerk? would you like that?"

and at that moment, i realised my mistake. with my mind engulfed in hate and anger, i failed to think about her feelings. i failed to put myself in her position. i admit i was hurt at that point of time, but that's really no excuse. just because you're hurt or angry, it doesn't entitle you to do whatever you want.

at that moment, i thought i hated her. but hate is too strong of a word to use. we were just not meant to be. there is no one person's fault. it doesn't really matter how she feels about me, but she really did mean a lot to me. and i won't try to forget about her. she will forever have a special place in my heart. i don't see why i should bring myself to forget her. yes, we should all move on with life, but i don't see a need to completely erase someone from it.

*

i don't know if you'll ever read this, but i'll just say it anyways:

i'm really sorry.

*

( PS. she's really not as bad as i made her out to be. there are always two sides to a coin and i just wrote about one side of that coin. there's still the other side which i didn't mention much. she also does have a lot of positive points. but a relationship's not just about who has the most good points or who has the least the least negative points. it's all about complementing one another. hence the cliche: 'you complete me'. and unfortunately, she and i just didn't complement one another. but that's just how life is and there's nothing to be sad or angry about. that's just how it was meant to be... )

2007-09-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

it doesn't rain..

..it pours..

*

has been a real rough week for me. there were times when i just wanted to break down and cry (i won't deny the fact that i'm a very emotional guy). there's no warnings, no signs. one minute, everything can seem like it's alright and suddenly, just like that, the whole world can just come crushing down on you..

*

first week in my new army camp has been rough. homesickness plus the fact that i was in a totally new atmosphere, it was difficult. i didn't know anyone. it's weird eh, how you can be surrounded by 100 over people and yet, you still feel all alone. i can't really pinpoint why but this adjustment period was really tough on me. at night, i would try my best to fight back my tears as i lay down on my bed. in my previous camp, there was always someone there to talk to, to joke with, to share my problems with. but over here, everyone seemed to have this 'leave-me-alone' barrier over them. it was really hard.. not having anyone to talk to, to share my problems with..

but thankfully, i found a friend that i could click with..

*

her birthday was coming up. i knew and i wanted to surprise her, and i was hoping she thought that i had forgotten about it. at least that was something to look forward to. i spent my time thinking about what i wanted to do for her. luckily, that small glimmer of happiness seemed to keep my mind off the loneliness that i was feeling. yes, i said in my last post that i didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore, but i couldn't bring myself to totally erase her out of my life (trust me, it's kinda impossible to completely erase someone from your life). i was thinking about how i was going to surprise her when suddenly, it came..

my last post..

she read it.

and she didn't take it very well.

(i hope you see this)

you say i'm giving our 'relationship' up? you know something? i'm really damn sick with this attitude of yours. this is not the first time something like this has happened. whenever something goes wrong, the first thing you do is point the finger at me. it's always MY fault. I'M the one that couldn't wait. I'M the one who wants to end it. I'M the one who is letting it go.

when i sincerely wished you a happy birthday, you laughed sarcastically.
when i told you my reasons, you said they were excuses.

that was the breaking point.

i thought we could still stay as friends, that maybe i shouldn't have written that last entry. i thought that if i let you go completely, i would come to regret it one day. but after what you've said to me.. i have absolutely no regret for what i did.

you want to know the main reason why i said we wouldn't work out?

..no wait. i don't even think you care.

i tried to work it out. i gave it my all. i held on as long as i could, even if it was draining me emotionally. it hurt so much but i didn't want to give up on us because i told you i would wait for you. but when i finally broke down, all you could do was make it seem like it was my fucking fault that things didn't work out.

it really hurt. you think it's not hard on me?

you think it's easy throwing away something which i held onto for so long?

and have you ever noticed? why must it always be only during my breaking points that i hear from you? this is not the first time something like this has happened. i tried to be understanding. i tried not to think much about it. but how could i? how can you not think of someone who means a lot to you? apparently, you could do it.

i wasn't looking for a relationship..

in you, i thought i've found a companion, a friend. someone who i could share my problems with. someone who i could share my tears and laughter with. but i was wrong..

you know why i didn't tell you about my passing out parade? you know why i didn't tell you anything?

..because i knew you didn't care. it was like i could only look you up when something major happened. anything else, like how my day went, was just not as significant to you. in you, i saw a counsellor, not a friend.

but the breaking point was knowing that if something went wrong between us, instead of trying to find out what went wrong, you pushed the whole blame on me. never once did you ever bother finding out what went wrong, never once did you try to work things out. when i wanted to give us up, it was like 'so be it..' with you. never once did you ask why. all you could say was "look, YOU'RE the one that's giving us up ok? I'M not the one who ended it ok?"

sighz. you see? how am i to share my problems with someone like that?

*

but at least i managed to find someone i could click with in my current camp right? wrong. just when i was slowly getting to know him better, he had to leave us. he had failed the medical and was taken out of the course. and he was not the only one. another of my friend who i had a tight bond with during my BMT was also taken out of the course. i was never really good with 'goodbyes', and it's worse if it's your friend that you're saying it to.

*

sighz. just when i thought things were slowly starting to pick up, it comes all crushing down again..

but i for one believe that life is all about balance. no matter how heavy the rain may be, it eventually has to stop and make way for the sun. there cannot be the good without the bad, and vice versa. as much as it seems otherwise, life is actually very fair. have you ever noticed? when something bad happens to us, we always ask 'why me?' but when something good happens, we seldom or never ask 'why me?' and because of that, we tend to overlook the good things in our lives and remember only the bad. and this makes it seem like our lives are only full of negative stuff.

*

adapting to a new environment is rough. but it's just a matter of getting used to it. i'm maybe alone at the moment. but the word here is: AT THE MOMENT..

things between us may have ended on a sour note. but during the times with her, i've learnt a lot from her. yes, there were bad times as well. but that doesn't mean that lessons can't be learnt from them. as much as it may seem otherwise, i never regret knowing someone like her. she really did make an impact on who i am today. everyone who has entered your life, no matter how good or bad, has a part to play in turning you out the way you are today.

it's all really about your mindset. everything has to come to an end eventually. instead of thinking "why must it be like this?", start thinking "eventhough it may have only lasted a while, i'm thankful that i managed to experience something like that.."

people always say that life sucks. but the truth of the matter is, they're the ones that are making it suck. life don't make the choices. you do. life shows you the options, you make the choices.

so what will your life be like? you decide.

2007-09-18T21:40:00.000+08:00

(i really need to get this off my chest. i don't care who i offend. i'm really sick of trying to please the whole damn world. i tried to do that, and how did they treat me in return?!)

sometimes, i really wonder whether you really even liked me at all or was it all just for show...

guess the answer to that doesn't really changes anything now. i knew the kind of person you were, and yet, i still trusted you and decided to take a chance with you.

i took a gamble..

..and i lost. i lost hard.

now as i look back on our journey, all those times, it was so obvious... but why couldn't i see it?

cause i didn't want to believe it. i chose to believe in you..

sighz.. before i started writing this post, i had in mind all the curses and insults i wanted to throw at her. but what good will that do..? it doesn't changes anything. just because someone hurts you... doesn't mean you have to return the favour. anger and hatred is just a cover for the pain and hurt that you really feel inside. when someone hurts you, it's normal to want to go around hurting others.

there's two type of people in this world:

1) when someone gets hurt, they proceed to hurt everyone they meet. it's an endless cycle. this is their outlet for their pain and hurt..

2) same situation. except this time, he/she knows how it feels like to be hurt and wants to make sure that no one should ever have to feel the same way they did.

i choose to belong to the latter. and i'm not going to deny the fact that i hate how things turned out. but i do not hate her. she must have had her reasons for doing what she did.

hate..

..is just a feeling that ties you down, slowly draining you, blinding you from seeing what life is really about.

i do not hate her. but i will have nothing to do with her anymore. she will be nothing..

..but a memory.

in the past, after a fight like this, i would go soft and try to work things out with her. but this time.. it's for real. it really is the end..

oh well, life has to go on right? no one ever said life was perfect. i won't lie the fact that i'm hurting inside, but i know that everything will turn out ok. cause eventhough one person fails to treasure me, i know that there are still many people out there that really cares about me..

..and i have to stay strong for these people.

2007-09-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

made a really tough decision recently. had been on my mind for quite some time already and after looking at it from all angles, decided that it was the best way to go..

i used to believe that love could overcome all obstacles. as long as the love between two people was strong, nothing could stand in their way. how naive of me.. we're not living in a fairytale. yes, i admit, love is a very powerful tool. but can love pay the bills? can love fill your stomaches? can love support a family?

and ask yourself. would you go into a relationship with someone whom you don't see yourself marrying to? some of you say no, and amazingly, some say yes. me? i won't. but when it comes to feelings, sometimes, it's hard to control.

you tell yourself you'll never ever date someone who smokes. but by some sick twist of fate, you fall for someone who's a chain smoker. you really like her a lot but you know you don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with. what would you do? or let's say you fall for someone but can't bring yourself to like their family members, what would you do? family may not have much of an impact during the dating period but marrying someone is also marrying into their family. and if you can't bear to live with their familiy, what would you do?

deep inside, we all know what to do. but the thing that holds us back is the feeling towards the other party. it would be no problem to let go of something if there's no bond between both parties. but there'll come a time when you just have to decide..

i said i won't give you up without a fight. but every fight has its limits. and sometimes, one must just accept how things are and move along. no matter what i choose, someone will get hurt. but what i can decide is how much it hurts. i'd rather you hate me now then when it comes to a point when we both get hurt real badly. and as i looked back on our journey, i'm really glad that when i asked for us to go into a relationship, your rejected me. thankfully, at that time, you were matured enough to think straight.

someone once told me, my situation... it's like digging a hole. when you just start off, it's easy to step out of it. but the deeper you dig, the harder it will be for you to get out.

the hardest part of any relationship is letting go. i really really don't want to do this. but it's time i stopped living for the moment and start thinking about the future. it's time i started thinking with my head and not with my heart..

i really wish you find happiness in your life..

..with or without me.

*

no matter how much i trained or how hard i tried, i never won anything. i would fail over and over again. even if it looked like i was winning, i would eventually lose in the end. it was like fate didn't want me to win anything. like i wrote in my previous post, i always excelled during practices but when it came to the real deal, i always screwed it up.

i lost all hope. i wanted to give up..

but i fought on. i held onto whatever small hope i still had in me and pushed on. no matter how much i wanted to throw in the towel, a small SMALL part in me just refused to do so. and after so many failures and setbacks, my perseverance finally paid off..

eventhough i didn't come out tops, i finally realised what they meant when they said that it's really not about being the best, what mattered most was that i gave it my best..

2007-09-02T16:10:00.000+08:00

time sure passes fast. just like that, 3 months have already passed. it seemed like only yesterday that i was getting ready to be enlisted.

and now..

3 months on..

they say the army turns boys into men. at first i was having my doubts about that saying. what was it about the army that turned boys into men? was it the training? does being fitter makes you more of a man? maybe. but to me, the army not only helped me physically, it also helped me mentally. honestly, it doesn't really matter if you labelled me a boy or a man.

boy..

man..

isn't it all just like some sort of status? like rich and poor. good and bad. and is being called a man a very big deal? to some it may be. but to me it isn't. i used to think that being called a man was like some sort of mark that i've reached adulthood. but now, it really doesn't affect me anymore. what matters most is who i am inside. it's the mentality, the attitude, the actions that really shows a person's true character.

the army has really taught me a lot of things. things that cannot be taught directly from a training manual. take this for instance, what i learnt for 3 months in the army may be, and most probably will be, different from someone else that also went through the same thing as i have. it really all comes down to your mindset. do you do something just for the sake of doing it? or do you wish to achieve something out of it?

the problem with most people is that they do not really open their mind. trust me. even the most mundane things in your life may have a lesson waiting to be taught to you. i have roughly been doing the same thing in the army for the past 3 months, but every thing i've done brings about a different lesson to be learnt.

fighting spirit..

pushing your limits..

brotherhood..

not leaving anyone behind..

forgiveness..

no matter what you do, whether it's going to be fun or fucked up, really all comes down to you. even the most boring task can be fun and enjoyable if you want it to be. before entering the army, i told myself that i was going to make this 2 years memorable.

3 months on, i totally have no regrets..

*

a part of me is happy that i've finally finished my BMT. but yet, a part of me is sad.

the bunk..

the commanders..

the place..

but most of all..

the people..

everything has to come to an end i suppose. sigh.. i really hate saying goodbyes. they may be gone, but the memories of them will stay with me forever...

2007-08-19T16:11:00.000+08:00

feeling so many different kinds of emotions twirling inside of me at this very moment. the words in brackets are the feelings that i'm feeling when writing about that particular section.

*

(( hurt ))

it's not easy to be the best. it's even harder so stay there.

during my practices, i managed to get marksmanship for my rifle shooting. everyone was congratulating me and praising me. i admit, the feeling was great. but during my live range, the actual shooting test, i screwed it up. i missed so many targets. suddenly, everyone was barraging me with questions like: 'why like that?', 'what happened?', 'i thought you shoot very good one?' i was hurt. i really was. all i could do was flash them a forced smile and walk away.

that was not the only time something like that happened. i'm one of the better faster sprinters in my platoon and had one of the best timings. but it's a double-edged sword. whenever i step up to run, everyone would expect me to be the best. but when i fail to live up to their expectations, the barrage of questions would fly towards my direction.

sighz. why is it that i always excel during practices but when it comes to the real deal, i always screw up. ALWAYS. it's not like one or two isolated events. it's been happening as long as i can remember. and now i'm involved in one of the games during my NS games day. and i play one of the more important roles in the game and the pressure really falls on me...

please... don't let me screw this up as well. please...

*

(( love ))

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end. Love doesn't."

a paragraph from the book 'the five people you meet in heaven' by Mitch Albom.

what is love?

is love a feeling? is love just a word?

you see it everyday. people telling their other halves: 'i love you'. some people say it so often until it holds no true meaning anymore while others only say it a few times in their lives and when they do, there's so much meaning behind it. same 3 words: 'I love you', but yet, the meaning behind it differs from people to people.

actions speak louder than words. true. but at times, words are also as equally important. saying how much you love someone but yet, not doing anything for that person is the same as just saying any other words. but at the same time, even if you do so much for that person but don't say anything, how are they supposed to know how you really feel about them? even if you think about that someone 24/7 and are always ready to be by that person's side whenever they need you, what's the point if they don't know it? you may love someone with all your heart but what's the point if they don't know about how you feel? so please, if you really love someone, accompany your words with actions and your actions with words. tell the person how much he/she means to you..

i wish i knew how you still feel about me...

*

(( anger ))

i don't know. i feel like my love life has suddenly come to a stand-still. maybe it's not just my love life but my life as a whole. i'm just slowly getting tired of always putting others before myself. i admit i'm a nice guy. and at times, i can be so nice that i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for others. as long as they're happy, i didn't care even if i was hurting and suffering inside. but as time passes, i'm really slowly getting tired with this way of life. i know it may sound selfish. but is it wrong to want to find my own happiness? why must i always be the one who sacrifices so that you can be happy? when i did anything, i never asked for anything in return. yes, at times i was alright with it. but other times, it hurts. it really does.

you know what's the worst feeling in the world?

trying your best to keep a smile on your face as your heart slowly breaks into pieces inside.

i'm just really getting sick of putting others' happiness before myself. i'm just sick of trying to please everyone. am i going to suffer all the heartaches, sadness and disappointments so that you can be happy? AM I?!

..not anymore. i'm just mentally exhausted.

i just don't want to care about anyone anymore...

2007-07-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

it's kinda weird actually. thought my blog would be dead once i entered the army but in fact, it was like i had more things to write about than before. anyways, let's get it started shall we? last entry was quite a depressing one, so let's have a lively, positive one today shall we?

so proud of myself. when i entered the army, i failed 3 out of 5 stations for my IPPT. 1 month down the road, i'm just 6 pull-ups short of getting silver. seems nothing to most people, but a very very big deal to me. all my hard work have not gone to waste. i'm almost there. just need to put in a little more effort and push myself. just a little more...

anyways, shalln't talk about the army anymore. army talk is meant for army people in army places. let's talk about one of my favourite topics: her.

went out with her yesterday. when i first laid eyes on her after not seeing her for almost a month, i was breathless. she was just gorgeous. first time i had ever seen her in a dress and i must say, it was a very lovely sight indeed. anyways, shalln't go into details about how the outing went. i prefer to keep some things just between the two of us.

after avoiding the question for so long, i decided to finally brave up and ask her where we stood. we were not attached and yet, we were more than just friends. so i needed to know what that made us. she said that before i thought of going a step further, i had to realise that i was still in the army. at that moment, i admit, i was not very happy with the answer. fuck the army... i thought to myself. but after cooling down and really thinking about it, i realised that she had a point there.

i asked myself:

why do you want her to be your girlfriend so badly?
cause she really means a lot to me...
but you do know, you're in the army now..
uh huh...
what's the point then? even if she says yes, what happens after that? you still won't be able to spend much time with her. the only thing that changes is the fact that you won't be labelled as a single anymore. but everything else stays the same. is that what you really want?

i was speechless. i couldn't answer myself. i realised that it was very selfish and inappropriate of me to think about getting into a relationship at this stage of my life. yes, i admit, i want her to be mine. but will that be fair for her? the answer was no.

suddenly, the voice in my head said:

you said you want to be with her because she means a lot to you right?
yes.
is that the only reason?
...yes
don't lie to yourself, there is this one other reason right?
no, there isn't...
you can lie to everyone else. but how the hell can you lie to yourself?
fuck you conscience.
so what's the other reason?
i'm afraid of losing her to some other guy...
what makes you think so?
cause they're so much better than me. they drive. they're rich. they're better looking...
so that's it? if someone better than you can make her happy, you're just going to give her up?
everyone wants the best don't they? and if he can do a better job than me, then maybe i should just let go...
you know why you've never been attached all your life? cause you're fucking pathetic.
no i'm not. i just want what's best for her. i just want her to be happy...
then be that guy that will make her happy!
but they're so much better than me in so many ways...
then work at being better than them! tell yourself, if they can make her happy, you can make her even happier! yes, she's no different from everyone else. we all want the best. so instead of crying at how everyone else is better, work at being the best! be worthy of her love. are you going to back off everytime something like this happen? ask yourself this. if she really means as much to you as you say she does, isn't she worth the fight? don't tell her how much she means to you. SHOW her how much she means to you. yes, i won't lie to you, there's a chance that you may lose out to some other guy. but are you going to back off just because you're afraid of failure? if you're really so afraid of failing, then do your best at making sure you don't fail. she sees in you something that you are unable to see at the moment. it's that very one thing that seperates you from rest of the 'better' guys. if you really want something that badly, then don't give up and fight for it till the very end.
thank you conscience...
you're pathetic. but not hopeless. remember how you used to get angry at her for commenting on your fashion sense? look at you now. shirt and all. you do feel more matured also don't you? no more the small boy you used to be. someone even said you looked great. see? all it takes is a little effort. she believes in you. so start believing in yourself as well...

*

so to this very special female 'friend' of mine, if you're reading this, just want you to know that even if there may be other guys who may be better than me, i will not give you up without a fight. i fought so hard to be where i am with you now and i will not let someone else take that away from me. i repeat,

i will not give you up without a fight.

2007-07-12T15:21:00.000+08:00

was brushing my teeth before going bed when suddenly my bunkmates all called out to me saying that my officer had something to tell me.

argh. bet it surely has something to do with my sister... i thought to myself. i just found out that morning that my officer was my sister's secondary school classmate. blessing or curse? only time will tell..

i quickly finished up and went to meet my officer. i was mentally prepared for any questions regarding my sister. but what i was not prepared for was what he was about to say...

"kenneth, i got some bad news for you..."
shit.. did i do something wrong..
"your father just called. your grandma just passed away..."
"sir, you joking is it...?"
"i don't joke about this kind of things..."

i just broke down after that. i didn't care if i looked like a total idiot. i just cried. it was like someone turned on the tear ducts to maximum and there was no way of turning it off. suddenly, my mind was only filled with memories of all the times i spent with her...

~*~

after the initial shock, my tears also started to calm down. at the wake, her body was lying peacefully in the coffin. if you just looked at her and ignore everything else, it was as if she was just sleeping.

wake up grandma. it's so late already. stop sleeping... but i knew she was not going to be waking up anymore..

sighz.. at least i can take consolation knowing that she breathed her last while she was asleep. the best way for the angel of death to take you away. i smiled as i looked at her motionless body.

after being alone for so long, you can finally be reunited with ah gong... may you find peace ah ma...

my second lowest point came when it was time to cremete the body. i remember my friend once said to me that he didn't cry at all during his grandfather's whole funeral but when he saw the body being cremeted, he just broke down hard. i realised what he meant when i entered the room. it was like there was some sort of aura around the room that made your tears automatically fall. i tried holding back my tears. but i failed miserably. and as i saw the coffin slowly being pushed into the burner, all the memories of her just flashed through my mind and i started crying even harder.

your body may not be here with us. but your soul will stay in our hearts forever. i love you ah ma...

goodbye...

~*~

how can you think about money and possessions at a time like this?
how can you try looking for 4D numbers at a time like this?
have you no fucking respect at all?!
how can you even fucking think about celebrating a birthday the following day?
and of all person, a fucking maid's birthday?!
what the fuck are you thinking?!
tell me!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!
tell me!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!!

2007-07-08T14:43:00.001+08:00

during the first week of NS, lectures were conducted on adjusting to life in the army. and one of the topics conducted was about relationships.

before i enlisted in the army, i heard about countless stories about how couples broke up when the guy had to entered army because he could hardly be there for her. and i personally know someone who broke up with her boyfriend soon after he got enlisted. and i've also heard from NS friends that said it was normal to see guys crying in one corner over their break-ups. how did he know that they were crying over their break-ups and not something else?

"WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME...?" kinda obvious right.

and to make matters worst, a few days before i got enlisted, i read an article somewhere justifying how it was perfectly alright for a girl to break up with her army boyfriend over someone else.

after hearing so many stories, it's no surprise that i was kinda afraid that things between me and
her would also suffer the same fate once i got enlisted. well... kinda. cause it's not like i and her are officially together or anything. (sidenote: it's kinda hard for me cause at times, i don't really know where we stand... are we free to date other people? do you want me to wait? you really mean a lot to me and i'm prepared to wait till you're ready. but my biggest fear is that what if after waiting for so long, you suddenly come to me one day and tell me you found someone else? so many questions left unanswered..)

anyways, back to the topic.

during the lecture, the speaker told us that there were bound to be some guys who would blame the army for their break-ups. but that shouldn't be a reason for hating the army. in fact, this could be a test to see how strong their relationship is.

but yes, i know it can be really tough for a girl to be away from her boyfriend for so long. especially during something like NS where the only chances of meeting up is only once or twice a week. and even so, the guy may be too tired or have some other plans. yes, i agree that the whole point of being together is well.. being together. but ask yourself this. is that really a good reason to break up with someone? is it justified to bail out when the going gets tough? is it fair to the guy? it's not like he chose to be away from you. it's just how things are. and furthermore, there'll be even more tougher obstacles in the future in the relationship. and if you're going to bail out everything something bad crops up, that just shows how 'strong' the bond you have with your other half.

it can be a real headache at times for both parties. let's put ourselves in the guy's shoes. just imagine, you just got fucked really badly by your commanders and your morale is at its lowest point. you book out and all you want to do is get some rest and try to forget about your problems. but the first thing you hear is your girlfriend complaining about how you're not spending enough time with her and how you'd rather be sleeping then spend some time with her. you end up having an argument with her...

but it's also unfair to put the blame entirely on the girl. now let's put ourselves in the girl's shoes. your boyfriend got enlisted and you know that you're not going to enjoy the same amount of quality time as before. you're prepared for it. one day, you have a personal problem and need someone to talk to. you think of your boyfriend but realised he's away. your life starts to have all kinds of action in it and you can't wait to share it with your boyfriend once he books out. but on the day of his book out, he tells you he wants to sleep. you waited so long for this day and all he wants to do is sleep. you end up having an argument with him..

there is no right or wrong side. what matters most is compromise. if your relationship is really strong, 2 years will pass by really fast. and if you both can get through this tough period, your relationship will definitely be stronger. if not, fret not. it just means that the girl is not the one for you. cause i for one believe that even though she may not have the patience to wait for you, there will be someone else out there that will. and it's only a matter of time before you meet her...

*

2007-07-01T15:42:00.000+08:00

my officer wanted us all to write a reflection on our first 2 weeks of army life. this was what i wrote:

2 weeks ago, i was Ng Wei Zhong Kenneth, normal civilian.

2 weeks on, i'm now Recruit Ng Wei Zhong Kenneth, full-time NS man.

*

Before i got enlisted in the army, people used to tell me about how tough army life was going to be and how it would only be a matter of time before i died there. Because of my thin frame, i was constantly being mocked by my friends for being weak. everyone i knew kept saying i was going to be in for a tough time when i entered the army. i don't know why but everyone saw me as a pampered mommy's boy who wouldn't survive a minute on my own. i hated when they say that and their taunts only fueled me on further. i made a promise to myself that i was going to survive whatever the army throws at me. before i entered the army, i already had in mind what my goals during the first 3 months was. i was going to toughen up and prove to all the non-believers that i was not as weak as they assume i was. but most importantly, i didn't want to be this thin, timid boy anymore. i wanted to be a tough guy who could protect all the people i love.

and i was prepared to go through hell to achieve my goals.

*

no matter who you are, you will surely miss home. whether it's the food, the bed, your family, your freedom, etc, there will surely be something that you will miss when you enter tekong. it is only after you lose something that you realise how important that something means to you. to me, it was my home and loved ones. and when i was really down, it was the thoughts of them that gave me that extra strength to push myself on. yes, there were people who didn't believe in me. but there were also those that did. and i could not disappoint them.

but they were not the only people who lifted my spirits when i was down. my whole platoon mates were equally as great. before we entered the army, we were all strangers. but after just 2 weeks, the bonds i share with my platoon mates was just amazing. it was like we were long lost friends. everyone came from different backgrounds. but after our head shaving ordeal, it seemed like everyone was one. there was no such thing as one person being greater or better than the other, we suddenly all became equal. we ate together, slept together, showered together, laughed together, suffered together. there was this special bond between us.

and it is these people that you could really count on. unlike in the working world or elsewhere, there was no need for backstabbing or office politics. everyone had each other's backs. i for one believed that as a team, we are as strong as our weakest man. there were times when the training was very tough but as i looked around at all the people suffering together with me, it didn't seem quite tough after all. if my platoon mates were my friends, then my section mates were my brothers. whenever our morale was low, we would break out into a song and get high together. it's amazing how morales can be raised by doing such stupid things. my officer said that our army buddies would be our brothers for life. by the looks of things, i totally understood what he meant by that. brotherhood for life!

and the best moment in the whole of NS would be booking-out day. the one day where everyone's morale will suddenly go sky high. no matter who they are: recruits, officers, commanders, whatever, just mention book-out and they will suddenly be in high spirits. it is the day when we all can't wait to enjoy what we've been missing for the past 2 weeks. and it is only during this confinement times that you really realise what is really important in your life.

yes, army life is tough at times. but as compared to the past, this is nothing. furthermore, this is the army, not a chalet camp resort. there will be times when we'll get fucked around by our officers. but most of the times, if not all the times, we will only get punished if we fail to do the task given to us. and although we may hate them at times for treating us like shit, we must also understand that we are just facing the consequences for our actions. honestly, if we didn't do anything wrong, would they punish us for no reasons? it's all about instilling discipline and responsibility. and at times, the whole platoon may get punished for one soldier's wrong-doing. it may seem unfair but that's what brotherhood is all about. we live and die together.

just like anything in this world, you always have a choice in life. you can choose to slack your whole time in the army or you can choose to push yourself to the limit. and i choose the latter. i've got a target to achieve and i will not give up until i've achieve it. one of my motto in life has been: you have to go through hell before you can enjoy heaven.

*

and just like the army song goes:

once in our lives.
two years of our time.

this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. so i intend on enjoying every minute of it, both the good times and the bad. ten years down the road, i want to be able to look back at the times i spent in NS and smile to myself, knowing that my two years stint there was something worth remembering...

~*~

...till next time!

2007-06-14T10:53:00.000+08:00

2 more hours before i'm officially off to tekong.

i once said this blog will be dead one day. and from the looks of things, it seems like that day is today. but who knows what the future holds...

i know it's not like i'm going to war or to my grave or anything along that line but you all know me. and how i like to dramatise stuff around me.

thank you everyone for your words of encouragements. some people say i will die when i enter the NS. but unfortunately for them, i don't see that happening. why? because of all those people who believe in me. i will do my best when i enter NS.

and to that special someone: when i feel really down and am on the verge of giving up, you will be the one that will keep me going on. when i see a white figure floating across me and my heart starts to race, just the thought of you will make everything calm again.

i will miss you.

but like you always say, absence makes the heart fonder eh?

until next time... yours truly~*

2007-05-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

last entry was such an emo post.

anyways, should really start changing some of my habits. for those who know me very well, you should know that at times when i talk all sarcastic and stuff, i tend to act all gayish and speak in a higher pitch voice. at first, it was all fun and games. i thought it was cool to act all gayish and let people underestimate me. this way, people would not take me seriously and when they least expect it, i'm going to show them what i'm really capable of. but after a while, it soon started to slowly sink into me. i was no more acting all gayish when i was being sarcastic, i was acting gayish ALL THE TIME! and it was only when a special someone close to me told me that gays tend to move their hands a lot when they speak, that i realised i was doing the same. what started out as an act soon came natural to me.

the way i walk.
the way i talk.
the way i cross my legs.

how could i get angry at people for misjudging me when i was doing all those? if you act like a gay, can you get mad at someone for thinking you are one?

it's hard to suddenly change back to normal. but it can be done.

end of the day, if i want people to stop looking at me as gayish and weak, then i should stop acting as one. i'm no longer angry at those people for saying i'll die in NS or whatsoever. they are the reason why i'm NOT going to die in NS.

...i will give it my all. and i will get through it. just watch me =)

2007-05-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

it has been a while hasn't it...

soon i'll be going off to serve my country. remember i once said there'll come a day when this blog will be dead? i sense that day is coming... whether it will be revived or not in the future, i really do not know. only time will tell. so before anything else, i'd just like to thank everyone of you for visiting my blog. whether it's just leaving a comment, being a passer-by or one of my loyal readers, you guys are one of the main reasons i do what i do. so thank you.

anyway, as i was saying, i will be entering NS soon. it's going to be tough but i'll get through it.

i can get through it. and i will get through it.

i know a lot of you believe that i'm going to die when i enter. i won't be surprise if there's even a bet on how long it'll take before i whine, complain or die. at first, i was kinda cool with all the criticisms and mocking. but after a while, it's really starting to piss me off.

one misconception people have of me is that i'm weak and frail. everyone take a look at me and they go: 'don't ask kenneth do this or do that. he's too weak. he's too pampered. he can't take hardship.' just because i don't believe in doing what most guys do like being all macho ass, egoistic or using violence as my first resort, people assume i'm not a guy. just because i'm gentle and don't use violence, people all assume i'm easily bullied or a fucking pushover. and i'm really getting fucking sick of it. really really fucking sick of it.

no more will i be a pushover. no more will i walk away from a fight. no more will i be a nice, reasoning guy. if it's a fight you want, i'm going to give it to you. i'll fucking show all of you what i'm capable of...

i tried to be nice. but you all mocked me. you all made fun of me. you laughed at my expense.

now i'm going to show all of you what happens when heaven turns to hell...

my strength will be my hate for all of you..

2007-05-09T14:11:00.000+08:00

was just watching Afterhours where it was about how the guy was being too preoccupied with work that he didn't have time to spend with his girlfriend. of course, his girlfriend wasn't too happy about this. but can you blame her? and can you blame the guy as well?

if you look from the girl's point of view, it's normal for her to be angry. cause the whole point of getting together with someone is.. well.. being together. and furthermore, for someone who's so used to being around her boyfriend 24/7, and suddenly not seeing him for 1,2 weeks, it can be quite hard.

but from the guy's point of view, it may seem like no big deal to him. it's a fact that he IS really so preoccupied with work and really has no time for her. when you're so busy with something, time passes real fast. here's an example to help illustrate my point. ever noticed how the person who has to wait for someone feels the pain of waiting than the person who is late? 10 minutes to the late person may be nothing while 10 minutes to the person waiting seems to last forever.

after watching that episode, it got me thinking. i remember someone once told me: "there's no such thing as having no time for something. it's all about how you manage your time." it's very true if you really think about it.

ask yourself this. how many times have someone asked you out and you said you were busy? many times i assume. but if you really think about it, how many of us are really SOOOO busy that we cannot even take a few hours out of our busy schedule just to spend time with somebody. i believe for a fact that our lives don't revolve around: wake up, eat, bathe, go to work, go home, eat, bathe, sleep. eh wait, actualy some of us have this kind of lifestyle... anyway, even if you do have this kind of lifestyle, it can't possibly be for 7 days a week right? you sure have your off days right?

*

and when it comes to relationships, it's all about time management and compromising. i for one personally believe that anyone who says "i was too busy to return your sms/call.." is just full of shit. how long does it take to do that? 12 hours? a decade? and even if you were busy, would it hurt to reply back at a time when you're less busy? it just gets on my nerves when people say they're too busy for something as simple as this. "i was too busy to return your sms/call.." sounds nicer than "i'm really not interested in whatever shit you have to say.." right?

as i was saying, it's all about time management and compromising when it comes to relationships. trust me, no matter how busy you are, if you're willing to put in the effort, it is possible to juggle both work and a relationship. don't believe me? ask yourself this. when you once really really had a crush on someone and this person asked you out, did you try your very best to meet him up even though you knew you had something on that day? so what ever happened to that same attitude? and if you're the person with the busy other half, let's be compromising a bit ok? your other half may be busy and unable to spend as much time with you as before. so you must also be understanding. you can't expect him to be with you 24/7 like he was before he was preoccupied with all the work. that's just being selfish on your part. even if he's just spending half an hour with you every week, you should be contented. even though he's buried in work, he still bothered to find the time to spend with you. treasure the half an hour you have together instead of fussing over the 23 and a half hour you don't spend together.

*

i read an article in 8 days where they asked Jade Seah:

Celebs often claim they have no time for relationships. what do you think?

her reply?

"i think it's rubbish. Time is what you make of it - even if you meet for just half an hour. you're not busy the whole year. It's about effort, right?"

word of the year: EFFORT

great minds think alike...

anything can be achieved if you'll willing to put in the effort. it's all about the effort and being understanding.

cause afterall, if fate has it, the roles could be switched and the one who's been busy all year long..

..may now be the one that has to wait.

2007-05-05T14:58:00.000+08:00

"Hey, i was just reading ur blog, and.... well, this was too long for ur tag board....

I know many ppl might hv told u this, but i just gotta say it.

You feel that no one's giving a damn about u, but you may never know, some person smwhr else might be caring about u, and u don't have any idea. im not talking about parents and relatives, they are born to do that, but think beyond that.

Maybe that very person feels why he/she gives a damn about u when u don't even know.
i gotta agree i only know what u have said in this site. i don't know the whole picture. but think about it, it's a good thing to be affected by other persons' lives, in a way, it changes u - good or bad, it is definitely for the better.

You have never given up on anything before, that's not you. so why now?
i have only known u like during sec school times, but to tell the truth, i did learn to have a positive outlook on life from u.

i'm not trying to cheer u up or "sugar-coat" u, that's not my intention (though i can't help it if u feel on top of the world) all im trying to do is to knock some sense into you about who were before. you were the happy-go-lucky lad, who talked about killing the smart asses in the class.
It just bothers me to see u unhappy in some way always or most of the time.and I don't usually bother writing out this kinda stuff, but i did now coz ur a good friend to me (believe it or not).
Life is not that hard, in another few years time, ur gonna think about how u were when u were 19.

Take it in one at a time. look around, and take ur time to realise who actually really care about u. think about what made u who u are today. when u think, u actually realise more than what u bargained for, and it'll be all good.

I know this is a long long ESSAY kinda thing, but guess what? u actually read it! yay u (for reading it) and me(for my effort has not gone to waste)!!

Take care. slowly, u'll learn how to see the light before dawn breaks."

*

a friend of mine once sent this to me during the time when i was really down and out. and what surprised me was the fact that we hardly kept in contact eversince secondary school. was really touched by her gesture.

see. it doesn't take so much to make someone's day.

thank you. you know who you are =)

2007-04-22T17:28:00.000+08:00

it has always been my personal belief to never get into flings. if i were to get into a relationship with a girl, hopefully it would be a long term affair. but nowadays, it seems like long-term relationships just don't exist anymore.

it's just weird. i've seen some people who were so amazed when they found out that this guy was together with his girlfriend for 6 months. and the most shocking part was when they asked the guy: "you not sian meh?" but i guess it's only shocking to me. to most other people, there's nothing shocking about that. someone at my workplace could even say this after his break-up with his girlfriend: "after you had chocolate for so long, you'll wanna try something new. like vanilla..."

is this what relationships are all about? a revenue for one's boredom and desires? it seems like people nowadays get into relationships just to fulfill their selfish desires. and once that desire has been fulfilled, they get bored and move on to another. that is why most relationships hardly get past the "honeymoon" period. cause people only want the fun and enjoyment of having a partner. they do not want the hassles and commitments that comes with it. so in other words, people are selfish. and these kinds of people do not really know what love is. "i love you" to them is just like saying the word "hello"; it has no meaning.

sometimes when it seems like all hope is lost and that it's only a matter of time before i fall into the same category as everyone else, a glimmer of light always shines through. i've got a friend who has a girlfriend of 2 years and they're still going strong. another has a boyfriend in the NS and although it's tough, they're still going strong as well. but the best of the lot is none other than that of my parents. my father was my mother's first serious relationship. and in the end, they even got married and everything turned out alright.

everyday, i see people treat relationships like a game. and sometimes, you start to think that maybe it's meant to be like that. but you always have a choice in life. and even if a gazillion people were to think nothing of relationships, just knowing that the love of the 3 sets of people mentioned above and my beliefs, i believe a long term relationship can be achieved.

a wise lady once told me that to have a lasting relationship, one must go in with an open-mind. love is not something that can be forced nor is it something that can be rushed. if it's meant to be, it will be. and even if things do not work out, it's alright. there's no way we can predict how things will turn out. it may turn out great or it may not. all we can do now is concentrate on the present. yes, the future is also important. but the future is created by what you do in the present..

2007-04-09T01:22:00.000+08:00

everyone has their insecurities. most people usually feel inferior to those who are better than they are. and this inferior complex also plays a part when it comes to love. well, unless you're an egoistic freak who thinks you're god's greatest gift to man. anyway, for those who don't quite understand what i mean, let me put it in another way. have you ever saw someone of the opposite sex and said to yourself: "there's no way we can ever be together. i'm just out of her/his league." sounds familiar?

but what would you do if this 'out-of-your-league" person suddenly said he/she liked you and wanted to get together with you? sounds unbelievable? well, it does happen. i should know. i was one such person.

once, when we were having this small argument, i remember very clearly this one thing she said to me: "word of advice. try to understand someone's problems before you profess your love to her." this highlights my last post. how well do we actually know someone before we use the word love? anyway, as i look back now, i ask myself. how did i fall for her? and if i was still all lovey dovey, i would say it's because she's this, she's that. but of course, that was not the REAL reason i fell for her. now that i can think straight, the real reason i fell for her was because she was pretty and she liked me. yes, i liked her because she liked me. and she was the second girl that i fell for this way.

i know. it sounds pathetic. but put yourself in my shoes for a moment. you never had a girlfriend before. you're shy and never ever had the confidence to make the first move. you think every girl is out of your league. you see all your friends with girlfriends. even though you witnessed many break-ups and the downsides of relationships, you still want to have a girlfriend of your own. but nothing ever developed. it seems like no one ever wants to be with you. you start to think that the problem's with you. all you want is to be loved (don't we all?). and all of a sudden, this attractive girl comes up to you and says she likes you. what would you do? how would you feel?

this is what they mean when they say love is blind. did i like her for her character? of course not. i know nothing about this girl. all i knew was that she liked me. as time passed, she slowly let me into her complicated life. she had many problems. and me, being all lovey dovey, believed that love can overcome anything. when you're in love, you believe you can take on the world. after a while, i knew that things would not work out between us. but i did not want to lose her. i was afraid i would never ever find someone as attractive as her. yes, i admit. i'm ashamed for being so shallow-minded. things just went downhill from there and soon, i pulled myself back to reality. there was no way it was going to be possible between us. no way. i had to let her go. it hurt a lot but i knew it was for the best. i'm trying to erase her from my mind. i know some people can still hang out with people whom rejected them or vice versa but i'm not one such person. cause i personally feel that when you really like someone, the feeling will never fade, especially if you still are in the presence of that person. sometimes, sacrifices have to be made.

i may not have been attached before. but going through this kinds of experiences and seeing those of other people have made me realise that as much as i want to believe otherwise, i still have a lot to learn about love. and now i finally realise what my friend meant when she said: "you shouldn't anyhow use the words 'i love you'". i guess i haven't really found out what true love means...

..but i will one day.

2007-04-07T01:50:00.000+08:00

how can we say we love someone when we know so little about that person? my mom once told me this: you don't get into a relationship to get to know someone better. you get to know someone better before you get into a relationship. why? cause you have to truly understand how that someone 'works' before you can decide whether he/she's the one for you. well, unless you don't see this as a long-term thing then go ahead and ignore whatever i have to say.

usually, when you enter a relationship, it should be based on trust. but let's be honest now, how many of us are really very honest? when you enter a relationship or doing the courtship period, many of us tend to start lifting up this barrier over us. we'll hide a lot of secrets and flaws from the other party. why do we do that? it's normal behaviour. cause somewhere inside all of us, we're afraid that these flaws may deter the other party and make them not like us. therefore, we tend to hide all the things that may indirectly impact the relationship. we only show the good sides of us, the sides which will help attract the other party and we'll leave out all the flaws.

like the M2M pokemon song goes "Don't say you love me, you don't even know me..."

and sometimes, these flaws may only start appearing after many years. it may take days, weeks or even years but they will surely surface one day. and when that day comes, you may start regretting being with the other person. don't believe me? i'll give you an example. ever came across an article or a true-life story about a person with an abusive partner? if you've noticed, none of these abusers ever showed any signs of violence during the early periods of the relationships. it's only after a long period of time that the 'barrier' starts to fall and the monster within slowly emerge.

but that's just the most extreme situations. everyone has flaws but not everyone is an abuser. some may have minor flaws. and it's just a matter of whether you can accept them. and if you can't accept their flaws, then there's no point in staying together.

* end of part 1 *

2007-04-04T02:09:00.000+08:00

i can never understand how the minds of some people work at times...

one moment, they're saying things like 'i like you cause you're different. you're not like most people i know. you're unique.' and suddenly, the next moment, it's 'can you stop being so different? what's wrong with being normal? why can't you be like any other normal person?'

sighz. here's another,

when people break up, they'll tell you about all the negative stuff about being in a relationship and how wonderful singlehood is. and suddenly, a few days later, you see them attached once again.

what ever happened to 'how wonderful singlehood is'?!

why do people always say things they don't mean? why do people make promises they can't keep? i've totally lost faith in everyone. which is why i'd rather walk alone than in the company of people.

what are relationships but just bonds with people you use to get the things you want in life. i really see no reason in putting any effort to really get close with people. why should you put in all your trust and hope in something that has the potential of destroying you? ever noticed that the pain from a friend hurts so much more than that from a stranger? it is said that when you're down and out, that's when you really see who your true friends are. haha. ya right. and what are you supposed to do when you see all your so called 'friends' leave you one by one?

i'm not pathetic. it's not that i have no friends. i can be in the company of friends, but i choose to be alone. is there anything wrong with wanting to be alone? there's people who are alone and people who choose to be alone. i'm the latter. i tried hanging out with the 'cool' people and living their lifestyle. but i soon realised that that was not who i really was.

like i once said before, it's better to be hated for who i am than loved for who i'm not. what you see is what you get. unlike so many people out there, i don't do things to impress anyone. and i will not change for anyone. i don't wear a mask to hide my identity. love me or hate me, this is who i am.

*

ps. don't call me an emo. i really hate to be associated with that word. people make it sound like being emo is the latest trend. being emo is something that is cool. and that just makes me sick. it's so fucking irritating. i dress up the way i do because i enjoy it and want to be different. but if everyone all started dressing up like that, then what's so fucking different?! faggots like them really taint the whole image. to be considered as one of this 'trend followers / posers', i cannot imagine anything more insulting.

i really wish that people who think it's cool to slash their wrists really die. fucking faggots who think they are the only fuckers in the whole world that have problems. if you don't treasure your life, then i really wish it would be taken away from you. if you hate your life so much, please die.

2007-03-30T18:49:00.000+08:00

lolx. seems like my last post kinda ruffled someone's feathers. so for my own safety, i shalln't be joking about him anymore. who knows, he may just run me down with his car one day while 'm crossing the road. i don't know why but the number one priority of everyone i know who's getting a driving license seems to be knocking me down. sighz..

so for the sake of my well-being, please let me know once you have received your driving license. it's not that i don't trust you or anything but... let's just say i'll have to start being extra careful whenever i cross any roads.

*

it's great to be working. beats staying at home and rotting. at times, i may be making such a big fuss about the pay but in actual fact, money has never been a main concern for me. whether it's 4$ or 7$, it didn't really matter to me. as long as i have enough money to survive on, i was contented. i didn't have to be rich. i just had to earn enough to get through with life. come to think of it, i didn't have any desires. what i really wanted in life couldn't be bought with money. i remember there was this once when my sister offered to buy for me anything below 100$ and the only thing that was running through my mind was

'...'

i really didn't want anything. i was already very contented with what i had in my life now. so if it's not for the money, then why am i working? well, it's for the experience and like i said earlier, it beats rotting at home. and it wouldn't hurt to have some extra spare cash in my account right? i can't just be thinking of today right? i still have to look out for my tomorrows.

*

first day of work was crappy. but like everything else, first times are always sucky. but things started to pick up as the days passed. let's just say working is much better than on my first day but there still has its ups and downs. and it's also not a bad thing that there are some great people around and one particularly nice individual that has caught my attention. lolx. one of the 'ups' of my job.

can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. and that's why life is so much more interesting.

2007-03-23T01:27:00.000+08:00

let's keep this entry damn short and sweet.

kenneth got a job working at the esplanade. super awesome. they needed around 10 people. a whole lecture hall of people turned up for the selection. kenneth was one of the first few chosen within just 5 minutes of the selection. haha. awesome man... totally.

kenneth had no life.

now kenneth still has no life. but at least kenneth is getting paid for having no life.

$7 per hour. hahaha. hey weekian, how much giordano paying you again ah?

oooo.. just had to do that. no hard feelings ah wk.

2007-03-17T22:11:00.001+08:00

only when there is death, can one truly enjoy life..

only when one loses something, can one truly know its importance..

ironic eh?

*

everyone treats death as something taboo. and if you find death fascinating, like in my case, people call you weird. but if you were to take a look around, this are the same people who celebrate death. take a look at chinese funerals held at void decks. do you see the amount of effort and energy put into the whole event? it's like a 'celebration' of life after death. do you see the same amount of effort or energy being used when a life gets created? no right? and they say i'm weird...

*

was walking home together with my sister the other day and was just chatting about random stuff when i asked her this:

"jie, i have a problem leh-"

"i also have problems. the whole world also has problems. everyone has problems. i don't want to hear problems, i want solutions"

was rather shocked by her sudden outburst. but when i thought about it, what she said made sense.

tough love. tough love.

everyone has problems. and some people may seem all carefree, but they too have problems.

it's sad to know that some people think just because i'm easy-going and always in a positive mood, they assume that i don't have problems of my own. just because i don't share my problems or complain about them, people all assume that my life is a piece of cake. but what am i to do? my problems are mine to solve and i see no need in tying down other people with my problems. they already have their own problems and the last thing they would ever want is someone's else problems piled on top of theirs. i can't be that selfish. as much as we want to believe otherwise, we all have the power to solve all problems thrown at us. we are not as helpless as we make ourselves out to be.

and it's really sad when people say that their problems are more important than someone elses. how does one define importance of a problem anyway? between a guy who wants to commit suicide or a girl who's getting constantly abused by her boyfriend, which is more important? there is no more important or less important. it all comes down to the person whose suffering. can we say that a schoolgirl who has to take care of her 3 baby siblings and juggle school work at the same time has it easier than someone who just fall out with his family?

everyone has problems. you. me. that rich guy with everything in the world. and even that clown in the circus whose always smiling. everyone...

2007-03-15T20:04:00.000+08:00

was browsing through deviantart when i came across this small poem. don't know why but i got this sudden interest in drawing. was never good in art class cause i hated to draw what other people (the teachers) wanted us to draw. they usually want us to draw happy stuff and colorful things. but i prefer to draw mono color drawings about negativity. it's not like i'm disturbed mentally or anything. on the contrary actually. i love life. but i just find the dark side very interesting and special. don't you just love it how eyeliners define the eyes or how black nail polish brings more attitude to normal nails? or how silver chains nicely contrast against black jeans? no? you guys are just weird.. how can people not appreciate that?

so without further ado, here's the poem...

fuck your little smile
and your teasing little eyes
fuck your tender touches
and fuck your little lies
fuck everything about you
everything that drew me in
the reason why i'm drowning
the reason i can't swim
you said you'd fucking be there
but you weren't when i needed you most
fuck your petty excuses
to me you're just a ghost
a spirit that wont leave me
or give me fucking peace
all i want is your arms around me
and for that i'm losing sleep
you just keep denying me
of the love i know is mine
i'm desperate cuz i need you
where do i draw the line?
i love you but i hate you
and for that i say fuck this
refusing me everything i've given
ignoring my only wish...

*this is just a poem i found interesting and it is in no way aimed at anyone in particular..

2007-03-14T14:58:00.000+08:00

can kinda feel that my emotional rollercoaster with her is slowly coming to an end.

a part of me is just sick of her. remember i once said i wasn't going to mention about her anymore? and suddenly i had a change of heart? it was because she called. just when i was slowly forgetting about her and going on with my life, she called. and suddenly, i felt a small sense of hope. but from the looks of it now, it was just false hope.

hanging out with different people and talking to them about this issue has made me realise that i should be giving my love to them instead. people who will be there for me whenever i need them and never fail to add colour to my life. all along, i was focusing on the wrong target. when you fall in love, you tend to get blinded from reality. i admit i was blind. but not anymore..

since day one, i've always told myself that people like her won't work out with people like me. but throughout the whole ordeal, i tried telling myself otherwise and kept on believing that it was possible. i felt that as long as i persevered, i could fight fate and create my own destiny. but the final wake-up call for me was when i went out with her a few days back.

she never did like me for who i was. i could feel that she liked me but deep inside, a part of her was hoping that my whole gothic image would one day be just a passing fad and i would start acting like a 'man'. she wanted me to become a 'stud'. what was once unique to her was now childish. that really slapped me back to reality. i'm willing to change for the people i love. but i will do so on my account. like i once said before: i am nobody's barbie doll.

i thought she was different from most people. and i was right.

most people could accept who i was.

she couldn't.

*

listen clearly,

my name is Kenneth. gothic. emo. attention seeker. different. unique. daring. freakshow. weirdo. whatever you wanna call it.

if you cannot accept who i am..

..fuck off

*

if you're reading this, just want you to know that i'm pulling out of this whole 'competition to win your heart'. wanted to tell this to you personally but it seems like i won't get the chance. you should be happy, that's one guy less you have to deal with. it's nice to be showered with love. i know the feeling. but doing it at someone else's expense, that's just not cool. and i don't blame you, cause we all want the best there is to offer. but giving someone hope just to destroy it, that's just wrong. your feelings for me may be sincere or it may not be. but i really don't care anymore.

what you do now with your life..

..is none of my concern anymore

2007-03-14T14:38:00.000+08:00

kenneth has officially graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic. the one place where i spent my last 3 years at.

it has really been a wild ride for me. gonna take everything i've learnt throughout this 3 years and move on with life. the things you learn in life are far greater than anything a textbook has to offer. kinda disappointed that i didn't manage to achieve one of my goals, which was to get an A. but at least i can say that i kinda achieved my other goal, which was to beat weekian. the best part? after losing out to him in like every exam, i finally... scored exactly the same results as him. EXACTLY. haha. didn't beat him, but didn't lose to him too. what a way to end my poly life with him. no winner, no loser. everybody's happy. i don't know about him, but i know i'm happy. weekian sucks lah.

*

life's been good to me so far, except for the fact my computer's kinda having an on-off relationship with me. other than that, everything has been going smoothly. has been hanging out with friends and family. to me, family is the most important thing in my life. no matter what happens or how much you fight with each other, at the end of the day, they will always be there for you. blood is always thicker than water. and another thing, people have always said that once they graduated, they start to lose contact with their friends. sometimes in life, if we want to keep in touch with our friends, we have to put in the effort. if we're waiting for them to come contact you or vice versa, that's where friendship bonds get lost. if you want to keep your friends, do something about it and stop waiting for something to happen.

2007-03-10T13:42:00.000+08:00

why do we keep lying to ourselves even though we know the truth?

cause the truth hurts. our mind keeps reminding us of the truth but our hearts refuse to believe it. cause somewhere inside us, we all believe that there sure must be another way or we're just forcing ourselves to ignore the truth.

sighz...

i love her. but the one thing she said that really hurt me was when she criticised my fashion style. the one thing that she once said was unique about me. when she said those words, it was by far the sharpest stab to my heart i've felt from her. now i'm starting to doubt my feelings for her.

sighz.. i thought you of all person understood me the most. but it seems like you were the one who understood me the least. you said i should act my age and stop living in my gothic world. maybe it is not me who should stop living in my world, but you who should walk out of it. if you cannot accept who i really am, then i don't think i can bring myself to accept you.

love me or hate me. this is who i am. don't try to change me.

"Beauty is a curse on the world. It prevents us from seeing who the real monsters are."

i'm only ugly to those people who don't understand me..

2007-03-02T01:53:00.000+08:00

we all make mistakes in life. if we weren't suppose to make mistakes, they wouldn't have invented pencils that came with erasers at the end. but like the old cliche goes, it's not the mistakes that matters the most but whether we are able to learn from them. you and i know that cliches can be kinda boring to hear but we all know that it's true. the word 'sorry' doesn't have anymore meaning once it's said more than twice for a particular mistake. and if you have no intentions of ever changing or learning from your mistakes, please do not say you're sorry. i really see no point in saying sorry if you're just going to repeat the whole thing again. say sorry because it's what you want to do and not because it's the right thing to do. this is the one time when WANT comes before NEED.

*

a fall from grace can really destroy the souls of those who are not strong enough. one minute you're the star of the party and the next, you're avoided by everyone like the plague. it can really destroy one's confidence. i should know. i myself was one such person. i shalln't go into to much details about my situation but there were times when i wanted to use physical pain to forget about my emotional pain. there were times when i really couldn't take the pain and considered hurting myself. i hated myself. i hated the world. have you ever painted a really ugly picture and in your fit of anger, just take a knife and started slashing across the picture? that was exactly what i wanted to do. except the picture i wanted to slash was myself. it was really that bad. that was why i could kinda relate to mutilators.

but luckily, i never once gave in to the temptation. everytime i wanted to hurt myself, i asked myself: what good will that do? giving in will be the same as running away from your problems. do you run away everytime you have a problem? but unlike other people who will tell you something else, here's my advice. if running away will indeed solve your problems, then by all means, run away. but ask yourself, are you really running away from your problems? or just running away from yourself? everyone has a choice in life, just like me. i had 2 choices, to hurt myself or not. if i had given in and hurt myself, i wouldn't be here now. i would have lost all meaning in life. and i know that i'm much stronger than that.

when you do a thing like slashing yourself, you are not only hurting yourself but also those who care about you. and the last thing that anyone would ever want to do is to hurt those people.

i will bear the pain and hurt that comes with my problems. cause it is so much better than bearing the physical scars of my lost to temptation...

2007-03-01T12:57:00.000+08:00

have you ever heard a song that kinda relates your life? it's as if the song was written just for you? every single word in the song is an exact reference to what you're going through. well, this is my heartsong...

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

2007-02-28T13:44:00.000+08:00

as i stood in my bathroom with the water pouring down on my head, i couldn't help but think about my current situation..

do i still have feelings for her? yes. but at the same time, i'm scared of her. i really am. i opened my heart to her once and i was rewarded with nothing but hurt. i don't have to go into much details as if you've been following my life story so far, you can already guess what i've been through. i just don't know what to expect from her anymore. and to be perfectly honest, i don't think i know her anymore. how do you get to know someone better if they refuse to let you into their life? you show me signs that you still want to get together, but everytime i try to get closer to you, you go all 360 on me and push me away.

in the past, i was afraid that absence would slowly drift us apart.

but now, i've accepted that this is how things were meant to be.

i can't help you if you refuse to let me. i can't get to know you better if you refuse to let me. and if you're afraid that if we get together, you'll be hurting me, then you've already answered your question on whether we should give it another try. if you're so afraid that i'll run away like everyone else, then it's ok. i really can't bring myself to believe in you if you keep having so much doubts about me.

it's nobody's fault. that's just how life is. i know what i want. it is you who don't know what you want. and that's where the hurting comes from: your indecisions.

2007-02-27T13:45:00.000+08:00

dreams...

are they a sign of things to come? or maybe they're just works of your active mind that refuses to rest when your body is resting. or do they mean something more?

maybe dreams are your inner desires. the things you want in real life but unable to achieve. the things you only think about but afraid to carry out in real life. your problems. your dilemmas. what you only wish about when you're awake, you can do when you're asleep.

why the sudden obsession with dreams? cause i had a really weird dream last night that felt so real. the feelings, the emotions, the actions. they were so real. and in my dream, there was a girl. usually i wouldn't really remember what my dream was about or who was in it, but not this time. i remember very clearly who that girl was. and the best/worst part was that i personally know her. and in my dream, she gave me the one thing that i longed for in real life. the feeling of being loved. we weren't doing anything great. i was just walking her home. and i was really happy inside by just doing something so simple. just having her by my side, made me smile throughout the whole journey..

..and then i woke up.

*

my mind's in a daze now. when i thought i had finally moved on, she called. i know i said i won't mention her again in my blog, but i guess i have to take back my words. she called to explain her actions. and a part of me still want to be with her but a part of me is also scared of getting hurt again. as much as you want to believe otherwise, if you really loved a person, even if you've moved on, you'll never stop loving them. and if you can forget them, it means you've never truly loved them. and i still have feelings for her even though she put me through so much. and for her to even bother calling me, one can guess that she still has a little feeling for me.

sighz. affairs of the heart are so complicated. anything that is dependent on two or more people always have complications. but the biggest dilemma in my head now?

the girl who called me..

..is not the one that appeared in my dreams.

2007-02-24T02:28:00.000+08:00

life is kinda stale at the moment. feel like contacting some of my old friends and see how they're all doing. but as you and i all know, whenever you call up long lost friends, the first thing that would come to their mind will be 'you need a favour from me is it?' or 'you need my help is it?' sighz. can't really blame them actually. if someone whom i've not contacted for decades were to suddenly contact me, i would think the same way. kinda sad to think that everyone who finds you has an agenda. maybe they're just like me, only wanting to say hi. but that's hardly the case anyway.

mother keeps asking me to do something more productive and keeps telling the whole world that her son is rotting at home. what a loving mom i have. hey, don't get me wrong here. i love my mom. but sometimes i just want grab her and... haha. as much as i feel like hating her at times, she's still my mom. and if it wasn't for her, there would be no me. so love your parents always ya. mommy's boy or daddy's girl. doesn't matter what people calls you. i call it filial piety. and to get one thing straight. i am not rotting. rotting is just sitting in one spot and just staring in blank space. the only difference between you and a corpse is that you're breathing and it's not. i'm just floating around aimlessly. there's a difference between that and rotting ok?

just finished watching the new drama on tv called "Heroes". oh my god, that show's just super kick-ass! for those who like X-men, you'll sure love this. anyway, if you don't already know, the show's about normal people with super powers. was just wondering how wonderful it would be like to have special powers. if i could have a special ability, what would it be? hmmm...

invisibiltiy? flight? teleportation? mind-reading? telekinesis? super heal?

but if i could really have any power, it would be the power to find anything that is lost. like if i were to lost a very important document, i would just concentrate real hard and the location of the item would just pop up in my mind. that would be the best power ever. how many times have we spent worrying and searching for items we misplaced? lost keys? lost wallet? lost person? lost dog? no problem. now how awesome and how practical would that be?

sighz. special people want to be normal. normal people want to be special. why can't people just be happy with who they are and stop wishing they were someone else? you know why? cause people only see the positive sides and fail to see the negativity and problems that comes with them.

2007-02-22T18:53:00.000+08:00

new blogskin..

new beginning..

and so it begins..

..again

changes...

2007-02-22T10:01:00.000+08:00

change is coming...

whisper in the wind...

2007-02-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

i promise you guys that this will be the last time you will ever hear about her in my blog.

*

i really hope you're reading this.

and don't bother about contacting me back or anything. i'm done with you. i'm done with hoping things will work out between us. i'm done with lying to myself. there was never an 'us' and never will be. i'm done with trying to hold on to something that's drifting away.

when you said that it should be unconditional love, do you know what it felt like inside? i was really hurt. yes, i believe in unconditional love. but hearing you say it was the same as going all out to help a friend when he's down and when you're down and look at him for help, he just walks away. and when you remind him about all the stuff you've done for him, he looks at you and says:

"i never forced you to help me."

that was exactly how i felt. i gave you my all. what you didn't like about me, i was willing to change. you didn't force me, i did it on my account. but now as i look back, i seemed like such a fool.

but the worst thing that you ever did was tell me we were more than friends. you gave me hope that things could work out between us. but i now realise that it was all false hope. is this how you treat someone who was 'more than a friend'? if you didn't feel anything for me, you could just tell it to my face and i would understand. but must you keep playing all these games with me? bringing me up just to throw me back down.

you know what? game over.

you said you didn't think things will work out between us. i tried and tried to prove you wrong. but i'm just sick and tired of doing it all on my own. why should i be the only one putting in all the effort? if that's the case, i might as well be in a one-person relationship. you say you don't think things will work out between us? you don't want me to be part of your life anymore?

well, guess what?

consider it done.

you're busy with stuff and all. i get it. but is it so difficult for you to just take some time out of your busy schedule to find out how i was doing? were you so busy that you couldn't try to contact me? were you so busy that you couldn't even say a simple hi? was it so fucking difficult for you to show me that you even cared? were you ever there for me?

you never cared. so don't say you do. ask yourself what you've ever done for me? no, let's not be so calculative. just ask yourself this simple question. you once said you had a birthday gift for me, but did you ever bother passsing it to me? no. so don't fucking bother about anything about us anymore.

if you're not going to care, then neither will i..

in the end...

2007-02-15T14:21:00.000+08:00

the one thing in my life which i've tried so hard to hold..

has finally slipped out of my grip..

and i can do nothing..

but see it slowly fade away..

it really sucks to say goodbye..

but sometimes, you don't have much of a choice..

sighz..

i will miss you..

love...

2007-02-12T21:18:00.000+08:00

when you really love someone, you will never ever forget about them. even if you've found someone else and have moved on, they will always still be at the back of your mind.

*

i tried to occupy myself with other things. tried to keep you out of my mind. but no matter how hard i tried, at the end of the day, when i lay down on my bed and look up at the ceiling, i can't help but think of you. i can't help but think of you everytime before i sleep. and sometimes, i can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks.

i tried following the advice of others by trying to see other girls. but everytime i see another girl, i'm always reminded of you. i know that you're all i want now and if i were to get involved with another girl, it would only be to temporarily fill in that void i feel in my heart. and i can't bring myself to do that. i don't want to feel better at the expense of someone else.

i tried telling myself all the negative things about you and was hoping that somehow, all this sadness would turn into hate. but no matter how i tried, i couldn't bring myself to hate you. the more negativity i thought about you, the more i missed everything about you.

i didn't tell you about how you made me feel because i couldn't. i couldn't ask you to love me. i couldn't ask you to show more concern. these were things that i was hoping you could do on your own without me saying.

i was scared. i admit, i was really scared of losing you. absence makes the heart fonder. yes. but it also drifts people apart. and i was afraid that one day, after i have waited for you all this while, you would suddenly come up to me and say "i just don't love you no more". that was my greatest fear.

you asked me what i really wanted. so i'm telling you now. all i really want is to be with you. i know i said before that i didn't think things will work out between us. but i don't want to just leave things the way they are. it's like something's still incomplete and i don't feel like things should end this way. i really wish that one day we could just talk things out. even if things don't work out between us, at least i'll have an answer.

*

it's really been a while since i last heard from you. so if you happen to be reading this, do let me know, whether it's through sms, phone call, email or even a simple 'hi' on my tagboard. it really hurts me not knowing how you're doing now. i rather hear you say 'kenneth, i never want to see you again' than not hear anything at all. at this moment, the only thing on my mind is your well-being.

i really really hope that you're not keeping in touch with me because you're avoiding me or busy with stuff and not because of... *touch wood*

please be alright..

feel...

2007-02-09T22:56:00.000+08:00

how can a rich person feel the misery of a poor person?

how can a beautiful person feel the humiliation of an ugly person?

how can a slim person feel the pain of a fat person?

how can a person with parents understand the hurt of a person without parents?

how can a person surrounded by friends feel the loneliness of a person with no friends?

how can a person from a full family feel the sufferings of a person with a broken home?

how can a person who has everything feel the sorrows of a person who has nothing?

so the next time you say 'i understand what you're going through...' to someone, here's something to think about:

how can someone who's never been through something like that know how it's like going through it? so unless you've personally been through it, don't ever say you understand their pain..

..cause you'll never understand.

idiots...

2007-02-08T01:32:00.000+08:00

some people in my life are such fucking idiots.

just because i stay calm in stressful times, they assume i'm not concerned about the matter or anything. just because i'm all cool and relaxed when they're all stressed and fucked up, they get upset with me. they assume that i can't be bothered.

you give me work. i do it.

does it fucking matter if i rush through it and act all stressed up? or if i took my own sweet time and do it slowly and calmly? as long as i give you the work on time, does it matter if i'm calm or stressed?

fucking idiots.

oh ya, one more thing. even though you may be my friend, if you choose to go to hell, please do not drag everyone down with you. i hate people like you who choose to give hell to everyone all around you just because you're going through hell. please burn in hell yourself. friends don't do this kinda things to one another.

fucking idiots.

sighz. it really sucks when you have fucking idiots in your life. it sucks even more when these fucking idiots are your friends.

oh well, that's life...

the past...

2007-02-04T01:26:00.000+08:00

went to play soccer today. after a while, it was only between my team and another team. we were playing to 10 goals. the score was 9-9. everyone was giving it their all. and of course, the desire to win caused some people to be easily aggitated. my friend, being himself, was a very expressive kinda guy. when the opponent missed a shot, he started to celebrate wildly. this didn't sit well with the other guy. he lost his temper and started to scold my friend. it wasn't long before things started to get a little violent...

*flashback*

venue: the same street soccer court

the same friend got into trouble with another guy. same situation. vulgarities started flying all over the place and the atmosphere was tense. i realized it wasn't long before a fight would break out. i told my friend to just ignore him and leave. but he didn't want to. he didn't want to walk away. he wanted to stay and settle it with him. i knew i couldn't change his mind. and then... i did the unthinkable.

i walked away.

yes. i left.

i didn't want to be part of that. but the main reason for leaving was because... i was scared. because of my cowardice, my friend had one lesser person on his side at that time. the one time that he really could use a friend.

i was young at that time. but that's no excuse for walking out on a friend. till today, i always regretted what i did. i'm truly ashamed of myself...

but that was then...

*fast forward to present*

i was not going to make the same mistake again. i was not going to walk out on him. not anymore. i stayed with my friend and made sure my friend didn't do anything he would come to regret. violence was just not my thing. but most of all, i just wanted my friend to know that i was on his side. i put my body on the line, trying to hold my friend back. this time, he was more sensible. he didn't try to settle problems with the other guy. but the other guy was being a fucking idiot. he wanted to settle this with my friend and wanted to "talk" to my friend in private. i stopped my friend. if the fucker had something to say, he could say it in front of all of us. there was no need to talk in private. things didn't seem like it was cooling down anytime soon and i knew that if a fight broke out, we would be in trouble.

i knew i didn't want to drag this any longer. i didn't want to wait till things got out of hand. i knew something had to be done. my first priority was my friends' safety. i thought about the day i walked away and told myself: "not anymore..."

i took my friend's phone and called the police..

pursuit of happiness...

2007-01-31T16:40:00.000+08:00

what truly makes you happy?

just heard on the radio about a CEO who gave up his high-paying job to set up an ordinary cakeshop. he even sold his car to get more money to put into the cakeshop. even though he could earn so much more in his previous job, he chose to give it all up for something he enjoyed doing. but the main reason behind his actions? he wanted to spend more time with his loved ones.

inspirational?

or stupidity?

it all depends on what truly makes you happy.

how many times have we seen in newspaper of people who choose to work in certain jobs even though they have the qualifications to do something better. people who can be potential CEOs choosing instead to work as cobblers, hawkers, barbers, etc. do you consider these people stupid? maybe you do, but i sure don't. they are just doing what makes them happy. just because you can reach for the stars, it doesn't mean you have to go for it. if just looking at them makes you happy, then just look and be happy.

sometimes in life, we try so hard to reach success that we forget about what happiness is all about. i see some of my friends and i can't help but admire them. they have nothing to their names. i compare them with me and i'm far more better off than they are in many, if not all, aspects. but they're always so happy. they don't seek happiness through money, luxury goods or even success. just being alive seems to be like the best thing that's ever happen to them. and sometimes i just can't help but smile to myself and wonder why..

whether it's trying to earn your first million, or getting that phD, or even working for 4$/hour tearing tickets, it all comes down to one thing: to be happy. why do we want so much money for? so that we can buy anything we want and be happy. why do we want to get so much paper qualifications for? so that we can get a good job and be happy.

at the end of the day, we all just want to be happy. everyone will take different routes to reach this goal and it doesn't mean that one way is better than the other. just because going by this way made one person happy doesn't mean it may work for you. you have to decide for yourself what truly makes you happy. no one else can make that decision for you.

gratitude...

2007-01-29T00:58:00.000+08:00

this entry is dedicated to those who have been there for me through it all...

thank you for showing me your love and concern.

thank you for helping me up when i was down.

thank you for showing me hope when i thought all was lost.

thank you for showing me that i was not alone.

thank you for not giving up on me.

and most of all..

thank you for showing me the beauty of life.

kenneth is very VERY grateful to all of you.

thank you so much.

a letter to dreamland...

2007-01-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes in life, you only get one shot. and if you miss that chance, you don't get a second chance.

was reading through some of my older entries about me and her. every detail was still very vivid in my mind. i remember the time she held my hand. the time she pressed her lips on mine. the time i went to the movie with her. the time we sat under the starry night sky at the esplanade. the time i held her in my arms.

the first time i ever felt so close to a girl..

those were such wonderful times. magical moments. but that's all in the past. and as much as i want to believe otherwise, i know that there's no way i can ever relive the past.

she's never coming back. and i've already accepted that fact. even if she does return, i don't think i'm willing to take things to the next level with her. so what if we go into a relationship? will things be better? i doubt it. nothing will change.

i don't blame her or anything. it's not her fault. she's not ready to be in a relationship. she has her life planned out in front of her and getting involved in a relationship was not part of that plan.

i will always keep the memories of us together in my heart.

i have no regrets. i gave my all. but it was just not meant to be. the quicker you learn to accept the fact, the quicker you can move along with life.

*

was it worth waiting for you?

i don't know..

..and i will never know.

change of heart...

2007-01-21T17:55:00.000+08:00

i'm so sick of being affected by other people's lives.

i'm sick of being so fucking nice.

why should i give a damn about the world, when no ones going to give a damn about me.

why do i even try so hard for?

i'm done.

if you don't treasure the heaven you have right in front of you,

then i hope you enjoy rotting in your hell.

you always have a choice in life.

and if it seems like you don't,

it's because you've already made a choice a long time ago

and you're now going through what you chose.

you always have a choice...

pursuit of happiness...

2007-01-21T00:27:00.000+08:00

how fast time flies...

3 more weeks before school ends.
3 more days of work before i say goodbye.

it sucks to say goodbye. goodbye is never an easy word to say, especially if it's to those who you know you'll never be seeing again. it has been a joy working at GV. would love continue working there but i want a change of environment. i want to see and experience something new.

i'm leaving golden village. but i'm taking along all the wonderful memories with me. made some really wonderful friends there. and that's whats gonna hurt the most when i say goodbye. the laughters. the smiles. the fun and joys. sure gonna miss them lots. but it wasn't all smooth sailing all the way. also encountered some people which really got on my nerves. but i'm leaving soon, and it won't matter anymore. i'll leave the hate behind along with the place.

really memorable times at gv. was appointed a team leader and was promoted just 2 months after i started work. the pay just increased by 40 cents, yes. but it wasn't the pay that mattered most to me. the thing that mattered the most to me was being appreciated for my effort. hearing your co-workers say they enjoy working under your leadership instead of some other seniors... priceless.

whats the point of being the best? in my whole life, i never strived to be the best. i only believe in giving my best. and if my best wasn't good enough, it was alright. there's no such thing as being the best. there will always be someone better out there. as long as you give your best in whatever you do, you will be happy.

tears will roll down my cheeks when i say one last goodbye to the place. but along with the tears will be a smile. it's been a pleasure working there...

it ends tonight...

2007-01-17T02:35:00.000+08:00

really cried my heart out a few nights back. was just overwhelmed with so much emotions and couldn't hold back any longer. couldn't and didn't want to hold back. so many things were running through my head at one time. but the one thing that really hit me hard was when so many things were running through my mind was:

"why do i always screw up in relationships?"

i was really at my lowest point at that time. it's really amazing how much of an impact a person can have on one's life. at that point of time, all i wanted to do was to let her know how much she meant to me. i threw away my pride and smsed her. it was 4 in the morning so i wasn't really expecting an immediate reply. i just wanted to let her know how i felt.

*

went to her place today to drop her a letter in her mailbox. wrote everything i wanted to say to her in the letter. as i looked up at her block, i couldn't help but remember all the times i've been here. the good times. the bad times. so many wonderful memories. and i knew that there was a very high chance that this was going to be the last time i'll ever be walking by this way again. i took one last look at her block and smiled to myself as i left the place one last time.

i've accepted the fact that she's never gonna come back into my life anymore. don't really blame her for doing so. when you let someone go, there's a chance they'll come back. but sometimes, they won't. and as i look at the big picture, maybe it was for the best. it's no use regretting what i did. what's done is done. and if i could go back in time, i guess i'll be doing the same thing over.

even if i get back with her, i know that the whole process will repeat itself again. and in the end, everyone will get hurt again. anyway, i'll be going into the NS soon. and i don't think i should have a girlfriend at this point of time. i know the pain of waiting for someone. and i don't want others to feel the same pain.

*

guess that's it then. i can close this chapter of my life. she doesn't want to see me in her life anymore and i'll respect her wish. no hard feelings towards her. just wasn't meant to be. it takes two. well, life still has to go on. no use trying to guess what could have been. she's probably moved on and couldn't give a shit anymore whether i live or die. oh well. at least i didn't give up without trying.

(if she's reading this, which i greatly doubt, just want to let you know that i totally understand why you do the things you do. but sometimes, the journey's more important than the destination.)

Ps. i got into PES B for my NS. and i've resigned from my job at GV. this will be my last month working there. so don't try looking out for me from next month onwards.

famous last words...

2007-01-14T20:31:00.000+08:00

maybe it's fate or just pure coincidence. was browsing through the newspaper today when an article caught my eye. on other days, i wouldn't have cared about this section of the paper. but somehow on this particular day, i just found myself reading what she had to write.

the following is taken out from the article by Sumiko Tan.

"...it does seem to be one endless period of seeking approval, striving to be nice and desiring to be loved and liked by the people i loved or liked.
sometimes, the efforts were reciprocated and i'd be flying high.
but when they weren't, i'd beat myself up over it. what was it about me that they didn't like? was i not nice or kind or understanding enough? or was i too nice, kind and understanding thereby suffocating them?
for too long, my happiness and sense of worth were tied to things beyond my control - how i was regarded, whether i was being thought about, whether the phone would ring, whether i was considered worthy enough company for the weekend.
i needed approval, my expectations of others were flying high, but i was only setting myself up for disappointment.
just because you want someone's life to revolve around yours doesn't neccesarily mean that he wants that, too.
and even if he does, well, people are busy with their own lives, too. you can't make another person fit your specifications and your demands just so you - and only you - can be happy."

*

how so very true. i just couldn't believe what i was reading. it was as if the author had taken my thoughts and wrote them out in words. every single word that she wrote was a direct reflection of my life.

i remember the times when i used to just send her random well wishes. during those times, i did so because i just felt like doing it. and i wasn't expecting anything in return. i didn't hold my phone waiting for a reply or whatsoever. the only thought that was going through my head at that time was just letting her know that i cared about her.

the article really opened up my mind. maybe that's what i've failed to really see all this while. as much as i tell myself otherwise, i wouldn't deny the fact that i was always expecting something to happen between the two of us. maybe that was why i was hurt so badly. and as i look back on all the stuff i ever did for her, i never once regretted doing any of those things. i didn't have to do it, but i did it cause i wanted to. i wasn't expecting anything in return. it was only during those times when i was expecting something in return that i got really hurt.

i really don't know what the future has for me and whether she'll even be a part of it. but one thing that i've learnt from all this is that with expectation comes disappointment. so i'm not going to expect anything to happen and just go with the flow. if it's meant to be, it will be. if not, it's alright.

you're bound to make mistakes in life. and sometimes, some mistakes cannot be undone. words said cannot be taken back. actions taken cannot be undone. all you can do is bear the consequences for your actions, learn from this mistakes and move on with life...

always...

2007-01-13T20:12:00.000+08:00

when your heart hurts, you feel a physical pain inside of you even though there's no physical injury.

i really don't know what i'm doing now. it's so hard when your heart says one and your head says another. it's easy for other people to give you advices because it's not them who's going through the pain. when you feel so down and hurt, all you want is for the pain to stop. i told myself to stay strong. i was angry at her for doing this to me. after what happened the last time, i thought things would change. but nothing did. at that moment, i just didn't want to be hurt anymore. i wanted the pain to stop. i realised that things just would not work out between us. i don't know much about relationships but if the pain far exceeds the pleasure, it's not a good sign right? i finally told her that it wouldn't work out.

when i told my friend about my situation, i was only a little sad. i wasn't crying or anything. i actually surprised myself at how well i was dealing with this. but that was only because reality hadn't set in yet...

as much as i told myself to be strong, i just couldn't. when it really hit me that i was really going to lose her, it started to hurt. it hurts so much that i felt like crying. i don't give a damn whether you label me a weakling or whatever for crying. i just don't wanna keep it inside. it hurts. it really does.

i really don't wanna leave someone who means so much to me. yet at the same time, it hurts when i stay and wait. i'm just really lost and confused. whichever path i choose to go seems to be the wrong one. and the worst part is that i'm leaving a person who means so much to me. if only she did me some major wrong, it would be so much more easier for me to just clean my hands off her. but now, the only wrong she's ever did to me was not showing me how much i meant to her. all i really wanted was for her to show me she cared.

remember you told me that some things don't have to be said?
and do you also remember you once had this phrase as your msn nick?

"hearts are broken by the words that are unspoken.."

some things don't have to be said. but some things do.

*

when it comes to matter of the heart, no matter how strong you think you are, everyone is equally vulnerable...

..i'm no different

(i know some of you may want to console me, but would greatly appreciate it if you guys didn't comment on this post...)

in fate's hands...

2007-01-10T19:41:00.000+08:00

i'm really tired of wishing something would happen. i'm really tired of being ignored over and over again. i understand that you're busy with life and all, but is it so difficult for you to show any signs of concern? is it so difficult to just let me know that you still care? i'm really scared that we're slowly drifting away...

unconditional love is giving without expecting anything in return. i'm always telling myself this when i'm down. but i'm just sick of trying to console myself over and over again with that same line. i really don't know what to think anymore. i don't know what i should do anymore.

i guess my greatest mistake was opening my heart to you too soon. maybe you're right, i'm just too inexperienced in this whole relationship thing.

slowly piercing into one's heart with the passing of time or smashing one's heart into a thousand pieces with a single blow. there's really not much difference between the two.

you mean so much to me. and that's why it hurts so much.

i'm not forcing you to do anything. i'm just telling you how i feel. what you do next, is up to you.

my guardian angel...

2007-01-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

maybe it's fate or just mere coincidence that my closest friend happens to be a scorpio as well. it was weird cause when we first knew each other, we hated each other to the core. it was only after some weird twist of fate when we were forced to sit beside each other in class that we started to really click. from worst enemies to close friends. and till today, she's the only person who i've really still kept in contact since my secondary school days. and it also helps that she's a scorpio. i didn't use to believe in horoscope, but now i do to some extend.

we both share similar traits and it can really help a lot to have a friend who thinks the same way as you. because of our similar mindsets, i know exactly how to help with her problems and vice versa. but that doesn't mean we don't have disagreements at times. hey, no one's perfect. it's really hard to find a true friend that will always be there for you. it's really nice to know that even though she damn down and out herself, she'll still try to make an effort to make sure i'm doing ok. when i cry, she cries with me. when i laugh, she laughs with me. when i fall, she picks me up. now that's really what friends are for.

you know who you are...

thank you for being my guardian angel.

( it's kinda ironic if you think about it. remember in our secondary school days, Ms Goh made us play a game called ' Angels and Mortals '? haha. and do you remember who my angel was? and who yours was? fate works in mysterious ways... )

to be there for someone...

2007-01-08T02:14:00.000+08:00

today something really unfortunate happened to my family...

and i really found out the real meaning of being there for someone.

talk is cheap. words only mean so much.

but when the time really comes, what would you do?

it's only in crucial times that you see someone's true self.

i saw my true self today.

i saw what i was really capable of.

i always thought of myself as a coward.

i always told myself to run in times of trouble.

but i could not run away this time.

not when it involved people i cared about.

at that time, i really didn't care about anything else

but to make sure you were safe and sound.

i soon realised that being there for someone

does not mean solving all their problems

or treating them like royalty.

it simply means being there when they need you the most.

when they need a shoulder to cry on

when they really feel like giving up on life

that's when you come in.

"i'll be there for you..." you say.

but when the time really comes...

...will you?

*

you shouldn't have fucked with us. you see that thing over there? that's a one way ticket to hell. go on. take it. you don't want to? but it has your name written all over it. you didn't ask for it? haha. you sorry fucker... you asked for it the minute you decided to mess with us. now rot in hell you pathetic piece of fucking shit...

to be loved...

2007-01-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

love works in mysterious ways doesn't it?

in most cases, we end up with people we never ever expect to be with. ask any one of your friends who their ideal other half would be. they would give you a list of criterias they look for in a guy/girl. good looks, great body, good personality, great sense of humour, etc. but after that friend of yours becomes attached, take a look at his/her other half and look back on their criteria list. in most cases, only a certain number of criterias or even none of the criterias are found in that person.

it's kinda weird and yet fascinating. cause in most cases, nerds hook up with nerds, freaks hook up with freaks, ah bengs hook up with ah lians. that's just how things go. but sometimes, you can end up with someone whose personality is totally different from yours. you like black, she likes white. you like this, she likes that. you guys have totally nothing in common. and yet, you're attracted to her and vice versa. there can be someone else out there who has almost identical personalities to you and yet, you just can't seem to get away from this one person whom you have nothing in common with. i should know. i'm one such example.

why do we sometimes end up with people who don't match our criteria list? the reason is simple. cause the only criteria that matters the most is this: chemistry. even if none of your criterias are present in that person, as long as there is chemistry between the two of you, that's all that really matters.

grim goodbye...

2007-01-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

happy new year people~*

if someone you really cared about had to leave you one day, would you rather know when they were leaving? or would you rather not know?

one of my friends at GV is leaving soon. he'll be going back to his hometown, Vietnam. he's really one of the most fun person in my whole workplace and working with him has been a blast. he's one of the reason why i love my job so much. his presence just makes work that much more interesting. but all those fun times will come to an end soon. sigh. seriously gonna miss having him around. going back to work and not having him around is going to be so different. he's going back on the 13th of january. so it's like i'm just counting down the days before i'll never ever see him again...

my grandmother's getting pretty old. she's become much more weaker than before and even going to the void deck has now become a difficult task for her. i don't mean to sound rude or anything, but it won't be long before she goes to a better place. it really hurts when i go visit her and see her in her condition. my grandmother really dotes on me and i really hate to see her go. i never knew how it feels to lose a loved one. but i guess it won't be long before i find that out. it sucks so much because you're willing to do anything to make that person stay but the sad truth is that there's nothing you can do at all. it really hurts just thinking about it. everyone dies. everyone knows that. but why does it still fucking hurts so much...

in both cases, they're never ever coming back into my life.

so which would you prefer? would you rather know when they were leaving? or would you rather not know?

final post of 2006...

2006-12-31T20:36:00.000+08:00

can't believe i'm actually at home all alone doing project instead of out there celebrating with friends. sigh. family's all out and i'm all alone at home. what a way to spend my last few hours of the year. haha. what am i saying. i do this every year...

okok. let's not talk about negative stuff shall we? at least once this project's done, there won't be anymore major projects to worry about EVER. at least i can look forward to that.

*

year's coming to an end. what a wild ride 2006 has been. so many wonderful memories, both good and bad. it's really been a rollercoaster ride for me. but the one thing that leaves the greatest impact on me for the year was my love life.

- for the first time in my life, i actually told a girl how i felt about her.

- and for the first time in my life, i got rejected.

- i got to know a girl i met in IS through a friend of mine which i've last seen 6 years ago. sounds complicated? read it slowly. you'll get the picture. hopefully.

- we soon became really close to each other. never in my wildest dreams have i ever thought it was possible between us. i remember when i first laid eyes on her, the first thoughts that went through my mind was 'there's no way it'll ever be possible between us'. and look where we are now... haha.

- went through some really tough times between us. but i always believed that anything can be fixed if you're willing to put your heart in it.

- couldn't believe the things i was willing to do for her. as i think back about it, i still laugh at amazement. i really can't believe it myself. all i know was that i wanted to make her happy. even if it made me look like a fool. haha. cause at the end of the day, it's all worth it =)

- don't know what 2007 holds for us. but i'm willing to find that out... together with her. love ya~*

*

and how could i forget about all my friends!

i know he's gonna go all uncomfortable when he reads this but i don't care! the one guy who i can really never ever forget anytime soon is none other than (others please don't get jealous) Mr Lim Wee Kian. He's the proud recipent of Kenneth's Favourite Male Award. ok. that sounds gay. anyway, my life in NP started with him and it's only right that it also ended with him. don't know why but he just rocks my socks off. even when he's doing nothing... he just ROCKS! he always wants me to die in all sorts of sick manner but i know that deep inside, he loves me a lot and can't bear to see me dead. hahahahaha. don't deny it lah kian...

and how can i ever forget. in tb54, i was so-called involved in S&M. for those who do not know what S&M is, it is like er.. sex + whips + chains + let your imagination run wild. because of my unique fashion sense, i was mocked by my whole class. at first it was kinda hurtful but after a while, i started to slowly accept it. although it was insulting at times, it also kinda gave me a sense of identity. i was a freak. and the weird part was that i was actually enjoying it. it made me unique. and in tb55, i was now an emo. haha. people never change eh? i remember the one thing that my friend said to me that made me never regret what i did:

"kenneth. as much as i hate you, i salute you. no way in hell will i ever have the balls to do what you do. dress up all gothic and all. take balls man..."

sigh. as much as we all want to, it'll be damn hard to keep in touch with one another once we all go our seperate ways. i know i've said this a million times before but thank you all for being a part of my Ngee Ann life. i know my heart is small but everyone of you will have a special place in it.

*

and soon, i'll be going into NS.

soon, i'll be going to take my NAPFA and a few days after that, my NS medical checkup. damn. i'm so gonna fail my pull-ups. please please please let there be a miracle... sigh. and i'm so not gonna enjoy letting someone else do a 'check-up' on my ****. honestly, that's the only thing i don't look forward to in NS. bathing with other guys. sigh. i'm so gonna get ass-raped...

*

2006 has been such a wonderful year for me. and i'm kinda looking forward to what 2007 has in store for all of us. one thing for sure is that i'm going NS. everything else is still unknown. but that's why life is so wonderful. cause we never know what's gonna happen next...

my new year's resolution: to just be myself.

and lets end this entry with my own personal motto:

your life...

your choices...

no regrets...

happy new year everyone ~*

snowflakes...

2006-12-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

merry christmas everyone~*

wow. can't believe the year's also gonna come to an end. soon, we'll all be graduating from Ngee Ann and everyone's gonna be going their seperate ways. how time flies. no more 'let's study harder next semester' or 'i wonder who my next sem class will be'. this is it guys. the last and final semester for most, hopefully all, of us. so lets make the best of it shall we? our final memories...

since this is gonna be my second last post for the year, it's gonna be damn long. here goes...

*

went to her workplace on christmas eve to try to sort things out between us. we kinda argued some time back and it didn't end off so well. i really didn't care who started it or whose fault it was. i'm not a huge fan of the whole blame game. it doesn't matter who started it, all that mattered was that i wanted to fix it. was raining like fuck when i got there. saw a few people walking in the shelter with their umbrellas up. at that moment, i wanted to just kick them into the rain. if you're gonna open your umbrellas, then walk in the rain! if not, why the hell do you need an umbrella under a shelter for? the world's full of dumb dumbs. haiz. as much as i hate them, life is so much more colorful with them around. anyway, reached her workplace at around 4.30pm. all i knew at that moment was that she said she was working on that day. i had no idea what time her work was, or whether she had applied leave, or whether i was even at the right place. i asked around and luckily, one of her co-worker told me that she was on break. so i waited. when she returned, i tried to talk to her, but she kept pushing me away. i was this close to walking away. she was busy so i decided not to disturb her. i told her i would come back later when she ended work. she didn't seem to care. ARGH! here i was trying to fix things and this was the kinda attitude she was giving me. i left her workplace in anger and went out of the building.

...and i turned around and went back in. i wasn't gonna give up. not yet. not like this. if i walked away now, there was really no turning back. i didn't know what time she was going to end and i didn't want to return later for fear that she may be gone by then. so i waited right outside her workplace...

5.00pm
i stood and waited. there were other people standing there too so it wasn't that bad. oh ya, i was in my gothic set-up so i attracted a lot of stares from passers-by. haha.

5.30pm
couldn't believe i'm actually waiting for a girl. haha. hard to believe that i would do such a thing eh? i couldn't believe what i was doing also. remember this group of family that was walking towards me. when the mother saw me, she quickly asked all her small kids to stay close to her. haha. don't be scared.. i'm your friend..

6.00pm
the security guard who was walking around the area for the third time gave me a funny look. now i was starting to feel the strain. standing still for 1 hour is no joke. my back was killing me. soon, i started to talk to myself. the guy standing beside me gave me a weird look. i stared at him and he quickly looked away. haha. damn, i feel so much more confident when i'm behind my eyeliner...

6.30pm
what the fuck am i doing here... i asked myself again. i really wanted to leave. why waste my time on something that may come to nothing? the answer was simple. it was because i wanted to. let's go down memory lane for a moment...

am i a fool for doing what i do?
let me ask you something. do you like her? does she mean a lot to you?
yes.
then that's the only reason you need...

~*~

taxi driver uncle, what did you say just now?
your friend just now. very stubborn right? but good.
i don't understand what you mean...
boy, whatever you do, don't give up on the one you love...

~*~

'cher, whats the dumbest thing you've ever done for her?
i bought her 1000 roses. but i guess it was kinda no use anymore. waste of money...

~*~

and here i was. waiting. one day, i may be like my teacher. regretting what he did. but trust me, if he were to live that day all over again, he would do the same thing over. i laughed to myself as i thought about what i was doing. the guy beside me was starting to freak out. he quickly walked away. haha. my back was really starting to hurt like fuck and i didn't know if i would even have the strength to tell her anything if i had the chance. but still, i was not going to walk away. i can be quite stubborn at times.

finally, she ended work. it was quite awkward at first cause i knew she was quite pissed off. i really didn't know how things would turn out. i just spoke what i felt. it's kinda funny cause when i was waiting for her, i was planning what i was going to say to her. but when it came to crunch time, i messed up everything. i'll be amazed if she even managed to understand what i was trying to say.

haha. kk, enough of boring you guys. shall end here.

oh ya. how does this story end you ask? well, it doesn't have an ending yet...

*

i told you i was gonna wait for you. i know words mean only so much, so i wanted to show it to you. show you that i was willing to wait. be it 2 hours. or 2 years.

it's harsh but what you say is true. no one asked me to stay. i'm free to leave anytime i want. but i choose to stay. why? it's because you mean so much to me.

simple as that.

rainbow drops...

2006-12-18T01:21:00.000+08:00

kenneth is happy. very happy. very very happy.

come to think of it, life's like day and night. no matter how bright and sunny the day is, it's just be a matter of time before the sun sets and darkness creeps in. and no matter how dark and sad the night is, it's just a matter of time before the sun rises again and swallows the darkness.

today is a good day. started off wonderfully. ended off wonderfully.

woke up early for work today. and for once, i was early. and seeing how early i was, i started to take my own sweet time and before long, i was about to be late. took the MRT to work. haha. now you may be wondering what's so great about this. relax, relax, good parts' about to come.

*ding dong* Jurong East Interchange. and in she came. one look at her and it took my breath away. she wore black eyeliner, black painted nails, black jeans, black shoes and a jacket with a hood. she was wearing the hood over her head and her fringe was covering a quarter of her face. oh my god. was just smiling to myself throughout the whole trip and once in a while, i would just peek up a catch a glimpse of her. it's not nice to stare you know. haha. can still picture her in my mind. damn. anyway, my taste in girls is somewhat... unique. so most of you guys won't really understand the big deal.

anyway, went to work as per normal and did my stuff. blah blah blah. soon, it was time to go home. when i was about to leave, my manager called me into the office.

'kenneth, come. got letter for you. love letter.'
'alamak. gonna kena sacked ah.'
'yaya. how you know ah. this is your last week of employment.'

obviously she was joking. this manager of mine, sometimes like to scold me for the fun of it. but not in the fierce fierce unreasonable kinda way. haha. i think she has a crush on me. hmm.. i think one of my colleague also has a crush on me. hahahahaha. anyway, took the letter and made my way home. and then i realised something. my handphone was missing.

i panicked and quickly ran back to my workplace. and thank god, i saw two of my colleagues holding on to the phone. they apologised for reading through my messages to find out who the owner was but i couldn't care less about that. i was just glad my phone was back with me. i wanted to hug them but it would be just awkward. anyway, took my handphone, thanked them for the millionth time and made my way back. on the MRT, i opened my love / retrenchment letter and it read:

Congratulations! In view of your good work performance, the company has decided to confirm and upgrade you to ***** effective from 21 November 2006. Your salary will be adjusted to ***** effective from the same date.

oh. my. god. you know what that means?! it means i've been promoted! woohoo! what a wonderful birthday present! hahahahaha. hmm.. how can a part-timer be promoted anyway... who cares! really really happy. to be appreciated. really means a lot to me. well, that about sums up the one of the best days of my life. haha. 3 things: girl, handphone, promotion. and i'm over the moon already. i'm a simple guy to begin with anyway. see my desires on the left of my blog? haha. i'm easily contented.

remembered in one of my past entry, i said that she was the motivation for me wanting to give my best in my job? well, job accomplished.

kenneth is happy. hmmm... i wonder what tommorrow brings...

lost. confused. in love...

2006-12-15T19:23:00.000+08:00

it hurts. it hurts so much. and you know why it hurts so much? cause this isn't the first time...

i couldn't sleep properly the night before cause i was so excited about meeting you. i don't know why but i always get very excited whenever i know we'll be meeting. i made sure i had nothing on that night. i went out with my sis and even made sure everything would end in time for dinner. i got scolded by my mom for being overly-vain but i just wanted to make sure i looked extra good for you. i felt really bad when i ate a bit with my starving sister, knowing that i was going to have dinner with you. i made sure i could still eat some more so that i wouldn't make you feel awkward eating all by yourself later. for the first time, i took my phone and called you. i felt so guilty when i told my sis that i had to leave her because i was meeting you.

and i waited..

..and waited..

*

met up with tzyy horng today. last semester already, so just felt like spending some time catching up with him. he's been asking me to follow him go Crystal Jade for god knows how many times already. always rejected him in the past cause i was just plain lazy. but suddenly realise that if i were to just do nothing and expect things to happen, life would be kinda meaningless. anyway, could see that he was 'burnout' and was not doing so well. when we were going home, i remembered telling him to cheer up and stay positive. everyone goes through bad patches in their lives, but it'll pick up soon.

haha. cheer up. how ironic. this coming from a guy that was sad and hurt. sad guy telling another sad guy to cheer up when he himself cannot do the same. well, i can't possibly make the whole world sad and depressed just because i'm down right? i don't believe in making the world suffer together with me. that's my strong point. and my weakness.

you will never see me cry. never.

but just because you never see, doesn't mean it doesn't happen...

my life so far...

2006-12-12T21:09:00.000+08:00

"auntie, how much?"
"70 cents."

(gave the auntie 1$)

"auntie, keep the change bah."
"cannot! i give you your 30 cents back. i don't want to keep the change. 1 day 30 cents, 10 days you 3$ leh"

i was loss for words. first time in my life received this kind of response. was stunned a few seconds after the incident. till now, i'm still loss for words.

*

common test week started off on a low. and it ended on a high. thank god. life's always full of ups and downs. and now, my life's currently on a high.

met up with her today. been such a long time since i've seen her. but seeing her again after such a long time made the whole affair that much more lovely. don't know why but i just love being with her, even if we're just doing nothing. i always try to spend as much time with her as possible cause i never know when will be the next time i'll be seeing her again. but thankfully, she's back in school again. and that means i'll be seeing her more often!

kenneth is happy. very happy.

i remembered when we were walking together, she met her guy friend and said hi to him. after he left, she looked at me and said that she liked the guy a lot. and all this while, she was looking at me. haha. i ain't no psychologist, but i knew that she was waiting for a reaction from me. and all the while, i just smiled to myself. i don't know why, but i didn't feel any sense of jealousy in me. some people say that if you don't feel jealous, it means you don't love the person enough. but i beg to differ. i love her. but that doesn't mean i must stop her from mixing with every guy. i don't understand how some guys get angry when their girlfriends hang out with other guys. i trust her and she's free to mix with any guy she wants to. but please do not confuse this with i not loving her. cause if the guy were to get touchy touchy or starts to make her feel uncomfortable, then that's where i come in.

i remember reading this from one of my friend's blog: if another guy's gonna make you feel happier being with him, then i just have to make sure you're even happier being with me.

*

next monday will be the street soccer tournament i'm participating in. been 5 long years since i've entered a street soccer tournament. remember clearly it was during secondary 2. we were in the express stream and everyone hated us. everyone from the Normal stream thought we were arrogant and uptight, which was so not the case. so when we joined the tournament, everyone wanted us to lose. i just started playing soccer and i was the weakest link. i would panic whenever i got the ball and would soon lose possession. half the time, my team mates had to clean up my mess. and it was no surprise that we lost in the first round. i knew deep inside that i caused my team to lose. but even though we lost, my team mates never once lost their cool with me. i can still remember as i looked down in sadness after our lost, they came and consoled me. ever since that day, i always told myself never to scold my own team mates no matter how angry they made me feel.

i also remembered when we were playing halfway, i went out because i was short of breath and substituted with my friend that was not part of the team. the referee asked whether he was in the team and i remembered clearly someone in the crowd said: "who cares lah! they all sure lose already, don't bother lah." i sat down on the outside and everyone in the crowd was just laughing at me for being a weakling. it was really a very low time for me.

but that was 5 years ago. i'm no more the weakling i used to be...

to my last street soccer tournament team: naresh, vincent, edmund. and to all those who looked down on us. this match is dedicated to you.

heaven / hell...

2006-12-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

one moment, i'm happy and love the bright light of life...

the next moment, i'm sad and seek refuge in the darkness...

damn.

who says only girls go through extreme mood swings?

one moment, i'm all quiet and emo...

the next moment, i'm hyper and crazy...

damn.

sometimes i think i have two personalities.

so people, if one day i have this seriously fucked up day, don't worry about me k? cause i'll usually be alright the following day. peace out~*

never meant to belong...

2006-12-09T15:46:00.000+08:00

i screwed up my trmk paper today. well, that about sums up the oh so wonderful piece of crap called my life. hey, i should be happy cause i'm still alive right? woohoo! i'm so FUCKING HAPPY!!! ...who am i kiddin...

sigh. why do nice people always get hurt. even in tv shows, the hero always die an undeserving death. maybe it's one of fate's sick jokes. people always take nice people for granted. everyone always search for someone nice. but when they find such a person, they don't treasure them. whether in love or in life, notice how it's always the nice ones that get cheated? and you know the best part? the nice ones always return to get hurt over and over again, believing that they can change the situation. haha. why don't they ever learn? oh ya, cause they're nice.

when i see people all alone, i used to ask myself: 'such poor souls. all by themselves with no friends.' but now as i look at myself, i ask myself: am i a poor soul for wanting to be alone? no. i can choose to be with friends. but i choose to be alone. why do we need friends anyway? at the end of the day, you'll all alone. everyone has their own lives to live. and at the end of the day, can you really count on your friends? they only find you when they need things from you and after they've used you, you become nothing to them. maria, i really wish you burn in hell...

sad people should just die.

make it easier on everyone else... and for themselves...

i've always put you on the top of my priority list. maybe that's why it hurts so much. i can't lie to myself anymore. it really hurts. sigh.. i feel like this fairytale's about to come to an end...

never take friendship personally...

2006-12-07T19:17:00.000+08:00

blogging is a double edge sword. it's something like 'a private thing for the world to see'. kinda ironic eh? was browsing through some blogs when i came across a blogger scolding viewers for some comments they made, saying that 'if you don't like what you read, then don't read it'. although what the blogger said was true, it also kinda refers to himself. if you can't take negative comments, don't make your blog public. or even better, don't start a blog.

sigh. you know right, a blog's suppose to be a place where i can let out all my frustration. and sometimes, i wanna go all out and vent about certain people. but most of the times, i can't do that cause those certain people are people who read this blog. lolx. hmmm... or should i just go ahead? one way i thought of doing it was by not using their names, calling them A or B instead. but then, if i said something like 'a classmate of mine, A is a total jackass. he loves sucking his toe.' and in reality, only one guy in the class love sucking his toe. so it won't take a rocket scientist to figure out who this A is right? this is JUST an example, nobody in my class suck their toes. well, not that i know of...

argh. i'm going to be making some enemies here...

is your friend's enemy your enemy? well, most of the times, that seems to be the case. my friends all hate this particular person. but the thing is, i don't feel anything against this person. she/he never did anything wrong to me and there's no reason for me to hate him/her. but the thing is, all my friends hate him/her and they expect me to feel the same. and if i say that i don't feel the same, they'll consider me a traitor. i bet some of you have been through this once in your life. so how would you handle this situation? some of you may say just stand up with what you believe and just do what you feel is right. but let me ask you, if one day, your friends were to get into a fight with this person, what would you do? help the person and risk losing your friends? or just stand back and do nothing. most of you will say help, but trust me. saying it is one thing, doing it is another. and believe me, peer pressure is a very VERY powerful tool.

i have this friend of mine who would sometimes tell me about how she's so in love with this guy she's known since secondary school. she would go on telling me how she felt that he was the one for her and how it was just a matter of time before they ended up together. whenever he chatted with her, she would be on cloud nine and would tell me all about their wonderful conversation the following day. now as a friend, i should be happy for her right? there can be nothing more lovely than seeing two people in love right? oh ya, i forgot to mention a small detail. she's already attached. i want to feel happy for my friend but what she's doing is so against what i believe in. i hate her for doing what she's doing but she's my friend. and that's why it's so hard. to make matters worse, i'm the first one she finds to share her joy with. i wish i could tell her to just stop it but i don't wanna be raining on her parade. sigh. forcing a smile is not a nice thing to do, but i guess thats the only thing i can do for now...

friends are like life partners. they're supposed to be there for you for better or for worst. but unfortunately, that's only partially true. all your friends will be there for you in better times. but only some will be there for you in bad times. and this some are those that you can really call true friends.

death...

2006-12-04T21:59:00.000+08:00

someone complained that he got freaked out by my background music. i shall not mention names here. lolx. but i must admit, it can be kinda spooky, especially if you're listening to it at night.. when you're all alone.. with the lights all off.. it can really be- brrr.. why does it suddenly feel so cold around here...

since there's such a lovely music playing in the background, lets have an entry that suits the music shall we?

death is one thing that we can all be certain of. everyone will have to die one day. and if you think about it, it's kinda ironic. it takes death for us to enjoy life. you see, we all wish we could live forever. but if we could live forever, than life will have no more purpose. ask yourself, have you ever told yourself that you must do this this this before you die? now if you can't die, there will be no more motivation in doing those stuff right? the way i say it, it's like we should all embrace death. but i must admit, even though i'm only 19 years old, i'm already afraid of dying. sometimes, when i'm bored, i just wonder what happens when one dies. will the whole world suddenly be in total darkness? will we go to another place? will we be a spirit? is there even such a thing as heaven and hell? so many questions. and i'll only know the answer when the time comes. it's kinda scary just thinking about it.

it's really sad. cause as i look around and see the people around me, i know that one day, they'll be gone. my friends. my family. it's like sometimes when i look at my parents, i know that one day, i'll be crying over them. if only i could just hold them and not let anything happen to them. but the angel of death waits for no one. and it's just wrong for a child to leave before the parents. and the worst part about dying? it's the ones who are still alive that suffer. when you die, you leave behind everything. but it's those that are living that feel the pain.

i remember watching in an anime where the girl was dying and her boyfriend was holding her in his arms.

guy: i don't want you to go... (starts to cry)
girl: don't cry. it's ok.
guy: but...
girl: (smiles) hey, promise me you'll take me to our favourite restaurant when i wake up ok?
guy: (wipes tears away and smiles) ya i promise. and then we'll order our favourite dishes. and after that we'll go and see the stars by the beach.
girl: (smiles) that would be lovely...

the last thing you'd want to do is make your loved ones leave seeing how sad they're making you feel. it's gonna be damn hard, but try to make their last moments with you a pleasant and happy affair. let them leave peacefully.

treasure the people around you. tell them how much you love them. if you got something you want to say to someone, say it. cause you never know when they'll be gone forever. death don't wait for you to get prepared. it'll just come knocking on your door and take you away.

you never know when the 'goodbye' you say to someone will be your last...

thank you all for being a part of my life. kenneth is grateful.

try...

2006-12-03T00:19:00.000+08:00

some of my friends have told me to stop wasting my time on her and just forget about her. they say that i should just give up and go find someone else.

i really treasure friendship and most of the time, i take all their advices very seriously. friends usually know what's best for you. but sorry guys, i have to disappoint you this time. i cannot do what you want me to do. come on, how can i be wasting my time? is chasing after your dreams a waste of time? and giving up is not an option here. it really doesn't matter if all my effort were to come to nothing. oh my god, what am i saying?! my efforts will NOT come to nothing. all the wonderful moment i spent with her, all the stuff i learnt from her, that wonderful feeling she makes me feel... are they considered nothing?! and how would i know the outcome of all my effort if i were to give up halfway? i'm not ready to close this chapter of my life yet.

i'm gonna keep trying. and if i fail, i'll just wipe this tears and pick myself up. and then i'll try again.

i'll always remember that day at your void deck, when you put your arms around me and as you leaned your head against me, you whispered the words 'thank you'. and ever since that day, i've always been telling myself 'i won't give up on you. i won't give up on us...'

by your side...

2006-11-29T03:30:00.000+08:00

was just reading through some forum on BGR problems and i suddenly came across something that seemed to immediately left an impact on me. i don't know why but somehow i could relate to what this girl was going through. this was the reply that was given to her problem:

"Have you ever thought that you may be suffocating the relationship. Everyone needs their own space and your boyfriend probably needs his. Your boyfriend needs his friends and he also needs his job. That is why he can't be with you all the time. It's not that he doesn't love or care about you, it is because he needs to spend time doing other things. Like it or not, there is more to life than a relationship and I sincerely hope you'll understand that so you can go and do other things rather than spend all your time on him."

how true. it's not a matter of being overly possesive or anything. it's just a natural feeling that all of us get one time or another in our lives. when we get hold of something that means so much to us, we hang on so tightly to it for fear that if we were to slack a little, it may just slip out of our hand. but sometimes, we do not know that we may be squeezing too tightly and could be hurting the person even more than we know.

so i've decided. unless it is something really important, i will not disturb you anymore. you're already so stressed out over so many other stuff and the last thing that i'll ever want is for me to add on to your burden. i don't want to stress you out even further over us. if you've already read my email, just forget about the question at the end k? all i want now is for you to do what you really want to do. cause even if i don't meet up with you or hear from you, just knowing that you're doing ok is good enough for me.

take care ya? and if at times, you feel like the whole world is against you, just remember that there's one person that will always be ready to stand by your side through it all...

fate / stay night...

2006-11-27T20:43:00.000+08:00

It isn't coincidence that the two of us have met.
It was a destiny decided long time ago.
Everytime i close my eyes,
everytime i look up to the sky,
Days of illusion are resurrected.
The closer you get to a rainbow,
the further it appears.
Yet, i will keep walking like this.
I can see my future with you,
And i'm sure you can too,
like you've always been able to.
I will protect you, like i've promised.
I want to be by your side in times of sadness.

It isn't coincidence that the two of us have met.
It was a destiny decided long time ago...

- fate / stay night -

inaudible cry...

2006-11-24T21:50:00.000+08:00

this entry is dedicated to my uncle.

he went through a really rough patch in his life some time back. everything was not going his way. it was really a hard time on him. but things started to slowly look brighter for him as time passed by. it was not as perfect as before but he was slowly making his way back. just when things were starting to look brighter for him, an accident happened. he was knocked down by a taxi, dragged a few feet and pinned in between as the cab smashed into the wall. and the worst part? all he was doing at that time was just sitting in a coffee shop having his meal. when my mom visited him, he was crying in pain. and if a grown man like him could cry, it means that it really hurt. his whole leg has been crushed and it could be amputated.

may you get well soon, uncle alfred...

*

i don't know whether i've made a mistake. i sent her an email expressing my feelings and how i felt about us. at first, i was quite reluctant to do it cause there was a chance that she may take it negatively and i could lose everything. i knew clearly the possible consequences of what i was doing. i took a gamble and all i can do now is wait and see how things turn out. *cross fingers* i'm not ready to lose her...

*

what's in a relationship?

is there no such thing as love anymore?

i don't know. do people really change when they get into relationships? one of my friend is afraid of getting into a relationship cause she's afraid the guy would change into a totally different person. and she has every right to be afraid. even my guy friend admitted that he changes when he's in a relationship. some guys treat love like a game. when they're chasing after a girl, they would do almost anything to win the girl over. but once they've finally won the girl's heart, it's like game over to them. they've won the game and suddenly, they see no kick in playing it anymore. are all guys like that? will i be like that?

a friend of mine dumped her boyfriend because he was too nice. i don't get it. how can being nice be a bad thing? let me give you an example of what he did. he stayed in the north. she stayed in the west. if she said she was hungry in the middle of the night, he would go all the way to her place just to bring her food. that was how nice he was. and what did he get for being so nice? he got dumped. her reason? he was boring.

another friend of mine intends on breaking up with her current boyfriend of 2 years. why? cause she's sick of her current boyfriend and is attracted to another guy. she has been attracted to the other guy for the past 4 years. now i don't get it. if she was attracted to the other guy for so long, why did she even get involve with her current boyfriend? suddenly, all the things which she found cute about her current boyfriend was now irritating to her.

has relationships become just a game where once you get sick of playing, you just turn it off?

maybe that's why i've haven't gotten into a relationship all this while. cause i don't want to change to a different person. i can't see it as just a game. i can't do casual. i cannot just get into a relationship for the experience or 'feel' of it. maybe that's why i'm still kinda inexperience that way. when i fall for someone, i wanna give my all to that one person. i refuse to believe that all relationships must end in break-ups. but from the looks of things happening around me, it seems like that's just how things are.

sighz. how can i help you believe in relationships when i'm starting to doubt it myself...

*

and finally, let's end this entry on a positive note. from the bottom of my heart, i thank everyone for their contributions to my birthday. even if it was just a simple sms with the words 'happy birthday', i thank you all. and thank you all for the toast today at labrador park. even though it seemed like nothing much, it really meant a lot to me. to be able to wish me happy birthday again when its already been 2 days later, it shows that you all really cared.

thank you isk, wk and wa for your gift. next time around, try not to make it so obvious if it's meant to be a surprise k?

thank you ana for your birthday card. 1st birthday card i've ever received from a friend.

thank you to the rest of you guys for your birthday greeting sms-es.

and thank you to that very special someone for your sms. i really thought you've forgotten about my birthday. you know who you are.

THANK YOU ALL!!! kenneth is very grateful to all of you.

...

2006-11-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

it's ok to fuck with kenneth now. lolx.

wanted to write something about love and relationships but need to rush through my LAM project. sighz. what a way to spend my birthday. haha. faster get this done than can do other things liao. so gambate kenneth!

time to start afresh. put all the negative things behind. it's a new day.

so stay tuned for my next entry ya?