Saturday, March 17, 2012
today is the last time i will go through this. i thought i could leave things on a high. but i guess things do not always turn out according to plan. but enough is enough. my heart will not be put through this torture anymore. * sometimes i can imagine how my friends will react if i told them.. Me: Hey, i just got my heart broken again =( Cherlyn: see. see. what did i tell you the last time? in one ear and out the other right? i tell you, if you dare to repeat this, i will find the hardest item in my house and smash your head with it. and hopefully it'll knock some senses into you. Kah Wang: don't emo =) Joyce: tsk tsk. you can offer me BGR advice. but when it comes to yourself, you cannot apply the same? Wee Kian: orh. Jo: i know what will help you through this. let's go geylang visit some prostitutes. sure help one. i sure have some interesting friends. but what they say is true. sometimes, we all need to be scolded. it's easy to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend everything's alright. but it's difficult to face facts and make difficult decisions. we're afraid that once we let go of the past, we won't have anything to hold on to anymore. that is why i find it so hard to let her go. i'm afraid i will never find another girl. but soon, there will come a time.. when you realize that holding on.. is even more painful than letting go. i can tell that you've moved on already. so i guess it's about time that i do the same too. what we had was beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart. but that's all in the past now..
when all you got to keep is strong,
move along, move along
like i know you do.
and even when your hope is gone,
move along, move along
just to make it through.
move along..
Monday, March 12, 2012
i can still remember the scene very clearly.. looking out of my window at the clear night skies. everyone's fast asleep. eyes slowly swelling up before tears start rolling down my cheeks as i think back about what could have been. blaming myself for screwing up the relationship. for always screwing things up right at the most pivotal stage. i remember telling myself: "why do i always screw things up! am i fated to never be in a relationship?!" that was one of the not so pleasant nights i had to go through. few years on, i met her. she who would become my first girlfriend. and if i could go back to that time at the window, i would tell the past me: "Hey Kenneth, take it easy yeah? i know it hurts like f*ck now. but believe me when i say, you will meet a wonderful girl. and you will start a wonderful relationship with her. so don't worry so much about your current heartbreak yeah?" and now it's like deja vu again. just because i'm the one who ended the relationship does not mean i'm not sad or hurt. people always think that i got no right to feel hurt since i'm the one who ended it. but this was one of those times where the head overrode the heart. and furthermore, what do these people understand anyways? you only see bits and pieces of someone else's relationship and that gives you every right to judge? so here i am sitting by the same window again, looking out at the night skies. heart broken once again. i know she has already moved on and i should do too. but it's kinda difficult when you don't have much distractions to take your mind off the matter. and as i feel my eyes slowly swelling up, i start to think about the last time i was in this same situation. and i imagine the 30 year old me, coming to the present. and telling me: "Hey Kenneth, take it easy yeah? i know it hurts like f*ck now. but believe me when i say, you will meet a wonderful girl. you will start a wonderful relationship with her. and you will eventually spend the rest of your life with her. so don't worry so much about your current heartbreak yeah?" and i can't help but smile a little. because at the end of the day.. ..all we need is a little hope.
Sunday, March 04, 2012
"show me a sign of appreciation, and i will go to the end of the worlds with you.."that has always been how it was all along. i was never one to chase money or rich and famous lifestyles. i was always contented with what i had and would work to the best of my abilities. i admit at times i do not always give my 100%. but when it comes to work, i just make sure my conscious is clear and that i'll be able to sleep peacefully at night. it's so sad nowadays. when it comes to negativity and complains, we are all not afraid to voice it out. but when it comes to compliments, suddenly we see no need to do the same. i know that when we do things, we should not be expecting anything in return. but sometimes, a little appreciation would really be appreciated. don't just keep it inside you, let the person know. you have no idea what a simple "thank you" or "i appreciate your effort" can mean to someone. it sure means a hell lot to me.. * at times, i feel like just turning off my phone and just cutting myself away from technology for one day. i think this world is becoming too tech-savvy to the point where the human touch is slowly fading away. you know the old saying that robots are going to take over the world one day? i do believe that that will happen one day. but the robots i'm talking about are not those you see in the movies. it's us. carry on like this, and one day we will lose all human emotions. and when that day comes, we will become no different from robots. why am i suddenly talking about this? cause i just read an article in the newspaper stating that the amount of text we send in one day, is just crazy. i just realized that we have been texting our friends so much that we hardly see a need to talk to people anymore. so from today, no more letting my fingers do the talking! time to let my mouth do the talking! like it was originally meant to in the first place. * ok, time to end this post with an emo entry. people don't change. well, to be more specific, people can change. but they must find a strong enough reason to want to change. and after they overcome this hurdle, they must find a reason to maintain. let me give you a simple example: a smoker quits smoking because he knows his girlfriend hates it. it's hard but the power of love gives him the reason to quit. he's together with her for years and hasn't touched a stick since then. but sadly, one day, she breaks up with him. he has lost his reason. and guess who's going to come back into his life again..? i thought i had changed her. but now i see that the change was only temporary. this is who she really is. this is her character, her personality. but i hate it when people use this phrase: "sorry, this is who i am. take it or leave it." whenever i hear that, i see a weakling. people can change if they want to. but like i mentioned earlier, they must want to change. change requires effort. and we all know how many people react to things that require effort: too much work. so what do they do about it? simple. "sorry, this is who i am. take it or leave it." when one says that, they're indirectly taking away all responsibilities. i'm a smoker. but i can quit if i really want to. but why should i? this is who i am. take it or leave it. i'm a lazy bummer. but i can do something about my life and be more productive. but why should i? this is who i am. take it or leave it. i'm not a romantic person at all. but i could be more romantic and surprise my girlfriend with gifts and flowers. anyone can do that right? but why should i? this is who i am. take it or leave it. i've always believed people can change if they want to. but maybe it's time i started to rethink my beliefs. no. if i can change, i believe people can change as well. it's only a case of whether they want to or not. in this 8 months, i was waiting. waiting to see if i could have you back in my life again. i saw hope. but now all that hope is broken. now i see that the change was only temporary. i was really hoping it was permanent. i was really hoping i could bring you back in my life again. why is your character like this..? why?! but still, i hold on to hope. what a silly fool i am..
Saturday, February 18, 2012
just saw my last post. oh how much things have changed in a year. can't help but let out a small sarcastic laugh as i read that last entry. one moment i'm thankful for being blessed with such a lovely girl. and the next, everything's all gone. it's the same feeling you get when you finally buy an ice cream with whatever money you have left in your wallet, only for you to drop the ice cream on the floor the next minute. you slowly feel your eyes swelling up. you curse the heavens for making a fool of you. you wish you can turn back time and change the past. but deep inside, you know that that's never going to happen. you keep telling yourself that everything happens for a reason. a reason that you never seem to find. all you know is that there's a reason behind every action in this world. but what could that reason be? you would never ever know. all you can do is just console yourself by telling yourself that. did i make a mistake by ending things? it was not an overnight decision. i smiled and pretended things were alright. but deep inside, the cracks were slowly forming. and one day everything just crumbled under the pressure. i knew this day would come one day. but the amazing thing about love and belief is that as much as we know things are not looking good, somewhere deep down inside, a small part of us believe things will work out. only when it comes to love, even if there's a 1% chance of the person changing, we would hold on to that 1%. that's why people say love is such a powerful emotion. it gives you hope and belief. i was really hoping things would have turned out differently. but people don't change. sorry, let me rephrase that. people change. their characters don't. and even if they do change, there would have to be a very powerful reason for the change. am i sad? definitely. some nights, i would lie down in bed and ask myself whether i should have hanged in there a little longer. whether i should have hanged on to that 1%. but i know it's no use wondering about such things. just like how it's no use crying over that ice cream on the floor. i made a decision. and i have to live with the consequences of my decision. thanks for all the wonderful memories. you will always have a special place in my heart... *
Sunday, December 05, 2010
and just like that, 2010 comes to a close. was taking a look at my past entries. phew, at least this year was not the worst year in terms of the number of blog entries. 2008 still holds the award for "Least Number of Entries" with a grand total of *drumrolls* 1 ENTRY! *crowd goes wild*. somehow, i do not remember posting many entries in 2010 but it looks like i did. ok. down to business. let's see. should i do a post on the events of 2010? or should i do a 2011 resolution post? or should i do a random post about random stuff? or should i do a post about how my dead blog is coming back to life again? so many questions.. oh wait. why do i even need to stress myself with all the fine details. i'll just write down whatever i feel like writing. hasn't that always been the case? just because it's a new year doesn't mean there must be new changes right? so without further ado, here we go.. * oh my god. suddenly it hit me as i'm writing this post. i know what i'm going to talk about today. the Number 1 topic that is always on everyone's mind. that very special 4 letter word. and no you perverts out there. it's not fuck frog, although some of you may disagree with me. it's that magic "L" word. that special word which meaning is so deep and complex that no dictionary has ever managed to really explain it. (editor's note: yes, i know that all dictionaries have in fact a definition to that word, but.. but.. CAN YOU FREAKING JUST GO WITH THE FLOW AND STOP SPOILING THE MOOD!!!)where was i? oh ya, that special word: "LOVE"it's kind of amazing ain't it? how since i started this blog, i've experienced that feeling through the eyes of: - a single guy - a single guy with a girl he likes - a single guy with a girl who likes him - a single guy with a friend who holds hands - a single guy with a girl with a boyfriend - a single guy with a girl who almost became his girlfriend and finally, my all time favorite, - a no-longer-single guy with an awesome girlfriend. it's really amazing how even though all this may be from the same person, the whole outlook on the situation changes with each different prospective. because of the knowledge i've acquired from observing and listening to others, i was able to advise people on certain issues regarding relationships. i used to help people with some of their relationship problems because i was able to help them see the bigger picture. soon, i started to believe that i was some love guru that could help those who needed assistance. i mean like seriously, i've already helped so many people with their relationship problems, so it's only natural that i'll be alright, if not doing even better, when it comes to my own relationship right? boy, i couldn't have been more wrong. and it was not long before i realized that no matter how experienced or knowledgeable you are, there were no model answers to this subject we call: Love. and i came to that realization when a particular girl walked into my life one day..
Saturday, December 04, 2010
after half a year of absence.. ..it's good to be back!!! wouldn't be surprised if my fellow followers of my blog have already stopped coming to this page anymore, much less reading it. yup, all 3 of you. now some of you may be thinking "why the sudden return to blogging?" actually, i've already been wanting to blog for quite some time. there were days when i would have this urge to discuss about certain issues, but as we all know, procrastination is a very power thing. well, the trigger came about when one of my friends was having some army BGR issue, and i realized i once wrote something about this. so back i came to the place where all my thoughts and memories were kept. my sanctuary of memories. and as i looked through past entries to find that particular post, i couldn't help but remember all those times when i wrote those entries. and boy, does it bring back memories.. so here we are once again. and let's hope that this time, my return to blogging will last longer than the Spice Girls did.. till next time~*
Thursday, May 20, 2010
and then, there was none.. finally done with my last paper. how did it go? it was alright i guess. will not say it was easy because i may end up jinx-ing the papers and will not say it was difficult because i can imagine the parents going "it's difficult because you never study!" so i'll just stand on my favorite position in the whole world: the fence. i really need to start working. for once in a long time, i finally have things that i want to buy. and on the top of that list: a computer. MY OWN computer. i'm just very sick of using other people's computers, sick of using people's stuff. whenever you use someone else's stuff, you're under their rules. whatever they say goes. no matter how unreasonable that rule may be, you just have to suck it up. "if you're not happy, then do not use it" sigh.. ok. let's get down to serious matters. have been feeling down these couple of days. could not really sleep well and even when i did fall asleep, i would wake up every now and then. at first i thought it was due to exam stress but soon realized it was not. if it was exam stress, my head would be one big clump of information right? but that wasn't the case. Emotions. it's the one thing that separates human from machines. the one thing that puts a smile on your face and a tear in your eye. at times it can be the best feeling to have or the worst. i guess every thing's balanced in this world. you can't have the good without the bad and vice versa. you know what i hate about it? the fact that there's no on/off button. or the fact that it's irrational. sometimes, it just makes no sense. and i hate it when you have totally no control over it. like how when you break up with your horrible ex and even though you know it's for the best, you smile and yet, you feel your tears suddenly flowing down your cheeks. "yes. finally he's out of my life. a girl like me deserve so much better. but what's this? why am i crying? STOP CRYING!" or when you see your girlfriend hanging out with her guy friends and even though you know that they're just friends and nothing more, you can't help but feel a certain emotion throbbing inside you. the same emotion that comes over you when she mentions how wonderful another guy is. "i'm alright with her having guy friends. i mean, if your friend's not a girl, it has to be a guy right? i'm cool with it. i'm really cool with it.. so what's this i'm feeling? it can't possibly be jealousy right? but i thought i said i was alright with it. so it can't possibly be jealousy right? right?!" or when someone broke your heart and when you lay down on your bed at night, you feel like your chest's in pain even though you don't see any physical wound. you've already mentally prepared yourself for rejection but somehow, the pain you feel in your chest is something that no amount of preparation can get you ready for. and finally, when you lay down on your bed after a tiring day, you feel your whole body going to sleep but somehow your mind's still wide awake. closing your eyes just feels like someone putting a cover over your eyes. and the more you try to fall asleep, the harder it becomes. "i really need to get some rest. why can't i sleep? my whole body's all tired out so why am i still so awake? (i wonder what she's doing now..) but i don't get it. i woke up so early today morning. (she's going to be surrounded by lots of guys..) i still have exams tomorrow. i really need to sleep now. (there's nothing to worry about right..?) stop thinking about irrelevant stuff and sleep. sleep! (there's nothing to worry about..) " somehow after writing this entry, i feel a bit better. it's hard for another person to truly feel how one is feeling. for emotions are something that cannot be described in words. it must be felt to be understood. "don't worry. there's nothing wrong with you or her. it's just that when you slowly fall deeper and deeper for someone, you'll tend to be more sensitive towards certain matters. the greater your feelings are for someone, the greater the emotions you are going to feel towards that person."* Every endless night has a dawning day Every darkest sky has a shining ray It takes a lot to laugh as your tears go by But you can find me here till your tears run dry *
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